Hope

I had a phone call today on my mobile from a number I didn't recognise, and once again I got that feeling of 'what if'. My heart started beating faster and I felt my body stop all at once. Of course it was nothing to do with the adoption, but for the second time to date I had that feeling of craziness.

I can't wait for when that phone call finally comes.

Staying still yet moving forward

"So, have you heard anything".

"How long do you think it will take before you get your baby?"

"I'm praying for you".

Nearly every day someone asks Murray or I how the adoption process is going. It is lovely that so many people care about us and are supportive of what we are doing. At the same time, it can be a little hard to have to say over and over again, that no, we don't know how long it is going to be before we get our child - if we get our child. Yes it's not fair that some people can have children very easily while others can't. Yes we would make good parents. No we don't mind if it is a boy or a girl and no we can't choose.

Sometimes we come home weary and hold each other, tired of the questions and wishing for a simpler life. But I would never give up what we have. Because each question asked is a statement of support for us, and for the child that will eventually be part of our family. While it might be a source of frustration at times, it also is a source of strength and encouragement.

Each day brings us closer. We can stand still and yet still move forward at the same time. I think that is the beauty of this whole process. I don't have to do anything more. Nothing I do now makes a difference - it all comes down to how God wants this situation to work out. Whether a birth parents chooses to parent or relinquish. If they want a home with dogs for their son or daughter to grow up with and love. It's out of our hands.

And while we wait, we thank God for the support and love of our friends and family. Because regardless of the questions, they keep us grounded and faithful in this journey.

Adoption playgroup

I had the day off from work today and was able to attend a playgroup which is for local adoption children. I had emailed one of the Mum's who organises the group and she encouraged me to come along and meet everyone and see what it was like.

I had a great time meeting all of these different people who have been through the same process that I am going through right now. A lot of the children were from the special care needs pool as well which gave me some idea of what might be expected. I got a great insight to some of the challenges that are faced but also the awesomeness of having a child through adoption!

One of the things that came out of it, was some information about the Philippines inter-country adoption program. One of the Mum's 'S' was on the list for both the Philippines and local and her local adoption had a placement first. S said that the Philippines program is usually foster care, and priorities adoptive parents who are Christian as they are a Catholic country. Also they only require the adoptive parents to stay in the country for three weeks, which was of concern for us. It is also close enough by that we would be able to retain links with the child's culture which is great as well. S suggested that I look into it a little bit further, and I'm definitely interested in learning more about it.

Overall the morning was a really great reminder that we are on the right path and that adoption is really in my heart.

My love

The two of us spending time together last weekend

Babysitting duty

I am on babysitting duty tonight for my two beautiful nephews. William is nearly three, and Kevin is four months old. Murray and his sister go to the football together every fortnight and his sisters husband is away at the moment so I got the pleasure of the little guys' company for the evening.

We played with cars, cooked dinner together, watched some football and then had milk and off to bed. Little Kevin has been napping with two bottles drunk around his naps. I swear there is something beautiful about feeding a baby. Kevin was looking in my eyes, drinking his bottle and snuggled up next to me. It's peaceful and so loving. I hope I get to do a lot of that with our child.

We have been focusing all our attention on adoption for the last year or so, but over the past two weeks, I've been thinking about the possibility of seeing my fertility specialist. It's just an idea at this stage, to investigate what donor sperm is currently available at our clinic, and consider the possibility of perhaps doing a cycle of donor insemination.

I sought counsel from some friends, because I feel unfaithful for even considering the idea. I don't want people to think that adoption is my second choice, or a 'backup' because its not. I'm committed to it and I would love to parent a child that we adopted. However does that mean I should just so and wait and not consider fertility treatment any further. At last count there were 46 couples in the approved adoption pool. Even at an above average number of 8 children placed per year, that's potentially a 6 year wait- if we be replaced at all!

We don't have the money to consider IVF unless the public program starts up again, which is likely to be at lest twelve months away. But donor IUI works out to around $700 out of pocket per attempt once we reach the Medicare safety net which is definitely doable. Our previous know donor doesn't have any frozen sperm left which would mean fresh samples, and to be honest, I don't want to have to ask anyone for anything. The idea of using the donated sperm that is already at the clinic appeals to me at the minute, where we just select it, and don't have to think about the logistics of anything.

We have sent an email to the clinic donor coordinator just to see what the donor list is looking like, and from there we will consider our options. There isn't much point pursuing something that isn't available, so once we have all of the information available to us, we can make a decision.

We shall see...

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Winner winner, chicken dinner!

Murray and I have extraordinary good luck when it comes to competitions. I received an email today to say that I won a facebook competition I entered on a whim a couple of weeks ago. The prize is two tickets to see Jason Derulo in concert, as well as a pair of Monster DNA headphones! I am super excited as I wanted to go to the concert but have been trying to save money for some renovations around the house, so was very pleased to get the email!

Over the years we have had lots of luck on our side. Here are just some of the competitions we have won:

• Trip to Sydney to judge the NBL All Star Slam Dunk Competition (Foxtel competition)
• Murray came 4th in an Rugby League tipping competition and won $6000!
• Last year I won movie tickets to our local cinema for a year for tipping all the Oscar winners correctly - 2 free tickets each week for a year!
• Tickets to the Rugby Union game between the Western Force and Waratah's this past weekend (competition at a pub, put your name in the barrel each time you buy a drink)
• VIP Box tickets to the Wildcats game a few weeks back (RAC twitter competition)
• A beautiful framed one-off print by Rebecca Wetzler through a City of Perth / Instagram competition
• Murray is a bit of a tipster with the horses and his local betting agency ran a local comp to tip all of the placegetters at Ascot Racecourse which Murray tipped perfectly twice - around $2000 each time!
• Murray has also been on a couple of radio competitions and won CD's and cash
• I won a couple of crafting competitions which snagged me some pretty fabric and patterns when I first started quilting.

So we have definitely been lucky!

Wedding weekend

Murray and I attended a beautiful wedding on the weekend, which was perfect for getting some new photos of the two of us. I hired a dress from a friend who has started a designer dress hire business, and it was sooooo amazing! Something I could never have afforded to buy for myself, but was pretty and made me feel great - I will definitely be doing that again!

#Selfie!

Murray with his parents and sister

The back of this amazing dress

Absolutely adore the colours on this. It is a Ginger & Smart dress

Murray and I together outside the church

More selfies

I had my hair curled for the day and I loved it! Will definitely have to try this at home

An update from the adoption agency

I rang the adoption agency this week to have a chat and see what was happening. We have been in the approved pool for four months, and we know that it could take a long time, but I want to try and keep in contact with them so that I have an idea of what is going on. 

Our adoption officer was really lovely – he is the same guy who gave me the good news that we were approved which is nice. As usual, he reminded me that it is an unpredictable thing, but that they have been very busy this year, busier than they have been in the three years he has worked there.  He said there is the potential for 6 or 7 placings to happen in the next 6-8 months, which is a lot compared to 6 placings last financial year, and only 3 the year before that! Two children were brought into pre-adoptive care in the last week and a half alone, although of course some of those will choose to parent and not proceed with adoption. 

Our adoption officer gave as an anecdote of someone who was approved around the same time as use and was matched only 6 weeks later, so he said things can move quite fast. Something very exciting was that he said at the last matching, we were in the last seven or eight couples that were discussed. Eventually we weren't put forward for that child, but it still gives me a lot to be excited about that we are on some of the shortlists. 

As of April, there are 46 approved applicants/couples in the prospective parents pool, and only 6 in the special needs pool (including us). The officer said that "we have a lot going fo rus" as we are in the right age bracket, and that if our name has come up once in the short-listing process, there is a good chance that it will come regularly. The officer is happy for me to call every few months to check in and gauge the numbers, although they aren't allowed to tell us if our profile has been presented to birth parents unless of course we are chosen. I imagine it is too emotional a process if you get that much information.

All in all, I think it was good for me to get some extra information, just to keep my hopes and energy levels up.

99%

I'm struggling today. 99% of the time, I am happy, and my childlessness doesn't impact my mood or how I feel. I am grateful for what I have in my life, and that we are adopting.

Today I felt my empty womb screaming at me. I was sitting in church, surrounding by children and new babies, watching a little baby have their dedication. They read a verse from Psalms where it says that the fruit of the womb is a blessing and a reward.

I know I have been blessed. I have so much good in my life. But there is still a part of me that screams out - why am I not worthy of this particular blessing.

It was also the first time that I think I really acknowledged that I will not have a child from my body. There will be no heart beat that co-exists with mine. Although I have dealt with the theoretical side of things, of not having a biological child, I hadn't really brought that to a practical level. No giving birth. No child from my womb. I can deal with it if I KNEW that we would have a child through adoption. But relinquishing the hope of having a biological child for the HOPE of an adopted child, is so much to give up.

I'm okay with it. I've had a lot of time to grieve. But there are moments like today that grab me, and I imagine will always grab me and be a punch straight to the guts.

Waiting some more

On the 29th November our adoption profile went live. We are coming up to four months in approved applicant pool.

Surprisingly it hasn’t been too difficult just yet. I would go so far to say that it has been a blessing not to have been selected at this stage. I am weeks away from having worked for my employer for 12 months, which will entitle me to workplace maternity leave (28 weeks at half pay), on top of the federal governments maternity leave (18 weeks at minimum wage, which is around the equivalent of half pay). That will mean I can take at least 46 weeks off while still covering all of the bills and mortgage.

In the first month after putting our profile up, I went into crazy preparation mode. I put together the change table, cleared out the spare room, considered colours for the nursery walls, and became baby obsessed. That dissipated quickly as I realised that I wanted to take my time and enjoy this period of waiting. This isn’t a race. We will get the child that we are meant to have, and that doesn’t necessarily mean the first child that is up for placement. All in God’s timing. But that means learning to be patient and that has never been a strength of mine. This isn’t something that I can ‘achieve’; something I can plan, work hard at and then get as a prize at the end of it. I have to relinquish control. I am learning to do that more and more each day.

Murray and I are happy. Things are great in our lives, we have no complaint or quarrel. Having a child would bring so much more to our lives, but even as a family of two, we are good. For now.

Great expectations

Each day brings with it an expectation of how the day will progress.  Get up, go to work, cook dinner, go for a walk with the dogs, go to bed. Occasionally there is a movie or uni study thrown in, but our lives follow a fairly steady pattern of activity.

For the last three months though, there has been something different. We have Great Expectations. The sort where you are waiting for something amazing to happen. It's coming, I know it is. I can feel it.

A beautiful friend sent me a surprise gift in the mail that made me anticipate that special moment even more.

The Squirrel bookends are the same ones that Siobhan has for her twins and they will go so perfectly in our nursery. It was such a wonderful surprise; I cried for a good five minutes when I opened the parcel and read the heartfelt card.

Not only was it a lovely gift, but it is a reminder that we are not on this road by ourselves. Murray's school colleagues are always asking about how we are going, and every facebook post that is even slightly excited is met by 'did you get the phone call!?'. That phone call hasn't come yet, but knowing that people are waiting excitedly with me makes it that little bit more bearable.

Holiday photos

With our holiday over Christmas, hosting a new years eve party at our house, and returning to work on January 2nd, I've been a busy little bee. My blog is suffering somewhat, but I promise there are more posts in the works!

For today though, some photos from our trip to Singapore and Indonesia will have to suffice. Enjoy!

The pool at Turi Beach Resort on Batam Island Indonesia. We stayed here for 4 nights

The signs outside our room

The open air reception

My first teppanyaki experience - awesome!

We spent Christmas Eve at the resort and they put on a lovely evening, even if the singers didn't know any of the Christmas Carols they were singing!

Spending Christmas dinner at a little Italian restaurant on Batam - one of the best meals I ate on the entire holiday

Our favourite day of the holiday was visiting Singapore Zoo

Back in Singapore, enjoying our club level cocktails

The white tiger was prowling and roaring when we visited - very scary!

We got to see the polar bear! Absolutely incredible!

The view from the infinity pool at the club level - We highly recommend staying at Oasia Hotel

All the beautiful Christmas lights on Orchard Road

Even the shopping centres have amazing decorations

We went on the Singapore Flyer which was nice, except that it was rainy, and I was suffering from dizzyness and low blood pressure- not great timing!

We still managed to get a nice photo though

Then we did a DUCW tour which is an amphibious truck that drives on the road and then turns into a boat!

On the cruise part of the tour

More zoo

More zoo

Even more zoo

Can you tell we loved the zoo!

Chinatown

Heading back to reality - goodbye Asia, hello Perth!