This cycle didn't work. My blood test results just came through from the clinic and it was a negative.
I don't know how to feel. Part of me wants to breakdown and scream and cry until there are no tears left, but what will that achieve? It won't change anything. But it could lead me down the depression and anxiety path that I am so desperate to avoid.
I'm sitting at my desk at work and don't know what the meaning of any of this is. What is the point of my life if I don't have children? What is my purpose? What difference have I made to anything?
I don't want to hear how unfair it is. I know how unfair it is but life was never promised to be fair - I know that.
I have my faith to fall back on, and for that I am so grateful, but trying to rest in him is the hardest thing right now, to trust and have faith that this is part of a greater plan.
There is nothing in this world that I wanted more than to be rocking my child back to sleep at 2am, milk-drunk, singing soft hymns and nursery rhymes.
This isn't just letting go of a dream. This is letting go of a life. The life we were meant to lead. What now?
Oh Bec, I am so so sorry this cycle didn't work. I had so much hope for this time, thinking it HAD to work. You guys have been through so much. So much. It just isn't fair. You deserve to be parents! I am glad you have your faith to help you through this. Many hugs to you...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I know that place of wondering about life purpose and what is it all about. Thinking of you and sending much care.
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