My encouragement for the day

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.

James 4:13

I'm trying to rely on my faith, my go to phrase is "If the Lord wills".

Getting through the fog

I'm doing okay. If I think about it too much, I get upset and cry, so for the most part I just don't think about it. Seeing babies and kids is really hard at the moment. Usually I am fine, but it just makes me think of everything we wont have. No first day of primary school, first tooth falling out, picking out schools and what sports they are going to play. Everything in our lives was built around our family that we wanted to have.

I went away this weekend with my two best friends which was nice to just get away from home and be somewhere different with them. It ended up being really nice. We didn't have to talk about it because they get it, they just get it without me having to explain anything.

We are booked in with an infertility counsellor in three weeks time. We have seen her in the past for IVF related stuff, but we figured that we should probably see someone to help us process all of the thoughts and emotions that we are dealing with right now.

Day 1 of the rest of my infertile life

My period arrived this morning as expected. I couldn't face going into work today, but thankfully my boss let me work from home which meant I could stay in my PJ's, cuddle my dogs and answer emails from the couch.

I don't even know where to go from here. I thought I would be okay with this cycle not working, yet I am falling to pieces. I think it is just hitting me that I will never have a baby in my belly, I will never give birth, I will never experience all the things of motherhood that I have dreamed about since I was a child.

Yes we are still in the adoption pool, but adoption in WA is hard. There is a pool of 50-60 applicants and last year there were 2 placements. Two. So a 4% chance per year of placement. I am going to update our profile shortly with new photos, but the privacy rules here mean that we will never find out if our profile is even put forward to birth parents for consideration. There is a very good chance that we will never have the privilege of being parents.

That hurts my heart so much.

Day 28 - Confirmation

This cycle didn't work. My blood test results just came through from the clinic and it was a negative.

I don't know how to feel. Part of me wants to breakdown and scream and cry until there are no tears left, but what will that achieve? It won't change anything. But it could lead me down the depression and anxiety path that I am so desperate to avoid.

I'm sitting at my desk at work and don't know what the meaning of any of this is. What is the point of my life if I don't have children? What is my purpose? What difference have I made to anything?
I don't want to hear how unfair it is. I know how unfair it is but life was never promised to be fair - I know that.
I have my faith to fall back on, and for that I am so grateful, but trying to rest in him is the hardest thing right now, to trust and have faith that this is part of a greater plan.

There is nothing in this world that I wanted more than to be rocking my child back to sleep at 2am, milk-drunk, singing soft hymns and nursery rhymes.

This isn't just letting go of a dream. This is letting go of a life. The life we were meant to lead. What now?

Day 25

I've started spotting. I guess this means it didn't work. I don't know how to feel about it all. Murray is devastated. Blood test is Wednesday.

Day 22

Groundhog day. Still nauseous, dizzy, bloated, constipated and anxious.
I think the anxiety is the worst. It's not even about whether the cycle will work or not. It's manifesting in silly things like, will I be able to fall asleep properly tonight because I don't feel tired enough.
My work has been fantastic about me not being in the office, but I still have huge anxiety about not being at work. I tried to go in on Tuesday and Wednesday but only lasted a few hours each time due to the nausea and light-headed.
And gosh am I sick of being constipated. 9 days is so not cool. Have tried a couple of drugs but they haven't made a difference. Bleh.
Back to resting up for me. Beta in 6 days.