Another shot

We got a call from the fertility clinic today, and they have convinced the Health Department that we should have another fully funded (free) attempt at IVF. I don't know how to feel about it. I was starting to come to terms with not having a biological child, but now this wave of hope is there. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.

I have an appointment booked with the fertility specialist in February, and I'll also book in to see the Scientific Director to discuss the embryo development. I'm starting a healthy eating and exercise regime, and I'm considering some supplements which look interesting.

No biological children

It’s hard to imagine that I will never be pregnant, give birth or have a child born to us. I’m trying not to spend time thinking about it. I’ve mourned it each and every unsuccessful IVF attempt. I’m scared that if I cry, I will never stop and I’ll fall into clinical depression again.

The darkness that depression brings is a place I don’t want to go back to, so I am being as proactive as possible to avoid that. That means positivity, focusing on adoption, and not allowing myself to go down the path of feeling sorry for myself.

I can’t talk to anyone about it. I hate when people ask me how I am going, or where we are up to because then I have to think about it instead of pretending that it never happened. I should never have had hope.

I know IVF doesn’t work for everyone. I guess I just never expected that the person who can’t have children would be me.

 

Murray is devastated. I spent most of Saturday evening comforting him, while trying not to let my own emotions overflow. I can’t give him much comfort though. We are infertile –both of us. Unable to bear children. No guarantee that we will ever be placed with a child for adoption. And somehow we have to be okay with that.

Day 29 - 9dp3dt Still negative

Another negative this morning and I am PMS'ing like there is no tomorrow so it is over. I guess I always knew that this would be the likely outcome. I'm trying hard to keep everything together. No tears and only positive thoughts, that our baby will come to us through adoption. And even if there is no baby, that we will have each other, and that could be enough.

Day 27 - 7dp3dt BFN

I tested this morning. I knew I shouldn’t have but I did anyway. Negative. I know, I know, there is still a chance that it is too early to show up, but the odds get lower and lower all the time for us.

 

My brother is going through some things at the moment, and I bargained with God that if he could help him, I would be okay with this not working. Well my brothers situation started looking up today, so part of me feels like that deal is done. I know how silly that sounds, but this whole process makes you a little nuts.