18 days to go

In 18 days time, we will be flying half way around the world to spend our Christmas holidays in Europe. It has come round quickly, and we are busy making the final arrangements - day tours that we want to go on, plotting out which museums to see, and Christmas markets that we will visit.

We arrive in Amsterdam during their Light Festival and have booked a canal cruise around the city to view the light installations that are on show. We are seeing a Bayern Munich soccer game in Munich, and going to the Casse-Noisette (Nutcracker) ballet on Christmas Eve in Paris.

This is the consolation prize. We don't have children, and some days that is a bitter pill to swallow. But we are making the most of our lives anyway, and this is a very delightful part of that.

A new look

 

 

 

I'm doing much better than I was last month. Having some distance from the IVF cycle, a lot of support from friends and work, and going to counselling has helped me get to the other side of the ditch, and I am really coming good.

We are hanging out for our Europe holiday - only 33 days to go until we leave! My brother is flying in from Sydney with his girlfriend the week before we leave, so I will get to see him and do a family Christmas dinner the night before we go which I am also looking forward to.

In other news, due to all of my health issues, I have been experiencing a lot of dizziness which I had attributed to low blood pressure and my reactive hypoglycemia. I had an eye test to rule out anything wrong, when it actually showed up that my eyesight actually was an issue! I have astigmatism in my left eye and am shortsighted so everything beyond a certain distance was fuzzy. I didn't even realise I had a problem except for the dizziness, so I am quite thankful that I had the test done.
The down side of course is that now I have joined the dark side of wearing glasses. Yeah, yeah, not a big deal I hear you say. Except of course I have never worn glasses before and it is so foreign to me, let alone wearing them all the time. I managed to find a pair that I didn't hate, but already I am getting pain behind my ears from the pressure of them on my head.

The new look

I am also now the proud owner of a piano! My best friend is having a clear out of her house and was asking if anyone wanted one. A few strong men later, the piano is in our games room! It's going to need a little work to get it ship-shape but I've already been on it playing Christmas Carols! I only ever had a year of lessons in primary school so it is very basic but I'm hoping next year to perhaps even take some lessons and build up a repertoire!

Piano (and glasses!)

Depression

The last few weeks have been tough. My depression reached a new low this week, and my fears were realised that I was indeed in the grips of a depressive episode. Crying for no reason, this persistent sad mood that no matter what I did, I couldn't shake. Unhelpful thoughts running through my head and always feeling on edge like my world was ending.

My workplace has been incredibly accommodating and caring for me. Whatever I need, they provide which has been a God-send. One of my biggest fears was that I was letting people down and that everyone would see me fail at work, and I realise now that is just my head talking and not reality.

I started seeing a psychologist this week who gave me some breathing exercises to do which have definitely help to ease my anxiety and given me some confidence in dealing with the panic attack side of things. The depression is going to take longer though, and is not something that just disappears. One thing she said to me, after going through all my background and history, is that I am resilient. I have been through a hell of a lot, and yet I have always bounced back, and there is no reason why this wont be the same.

Murray has been a huge support for me. He knows exactly what to say, and how important it is for him to just be near me and pull me close when I get down. I am so grateful that he is my partner for all of this. I appreciate him more and more each day.

I have also stayed in prayer throughout these past weeks, and I have felt that help me a lot. Knowing that I have God looking after me through all of this, I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My non-Christian friends don't really get it, after all if there is a God, why do I have depression? But I get it. Everyone has their struggles, their burdens to carry. This is part of mine. That doesn't shake my faith though. I think it actually strengthens it as I have to rely so fully on him just to get through each day.

Life

The last week was pretty tough. My anxiety was always present, and Murray was on a school camp to Canberra which meant that I was at home having to deal with all of it by myself. I was scared that I was going to regress and end up in bed curled up, unable to function. Luckily I have some amazing friends who helped me get through the week with regular catch ups and lunches, and work was really good about rearranging my holidays so that I only had to work short weeks so I wasn't stressed at work.

Murray got back on Friday night and I was nearly running through the airport to see him. He'd only been gone for a week but it felt like forever. My Mum said to me that it was nice to see how much I missed him. I'm always the strong one in the relationship, and she liked that I was vulnerable and showed how much I needed him as much as he needs me. I guess when you look at it like that, it shows that we are a real partnership.

Onwards we go. I have three days off work this week while Murray is on school holidays and then back into the daily grind. We are counting down the days to our holiday. I can't wait to have some extended time out and just enjoy some time with the two of us.

Photo update

 

My graduation was last Monday and it was fabulous. Murray, my Mum and sister-in-law all came along to help celebrate.

Graduation selfie with my only other graduating friend Michelle

 



We went to a wedding on Saturday which was really lovely. This is my sister-in-law and I enjoying the sunshine after the ceremony.

 

 

And my evening dress for the reception! I've never worn anything so revealing as this before but I loved it!



Wedding selfie



And a proper photo of Murray and I together #love

 

Looking forward

This is what I am looking forward to right now. We can't wait for our holiday, and are trying to focus all our attention on that to try and forget about our recent disappointment. Part of us still hopes that the adoption could come through and we wont be able to go on our trip. As much as I would love to go to Europe, I would drop everything at a moments notice if the adoption came through.

Who knows what we will be doing in three months time. If it is changing nappies - then I will be happy. If it is a white christmas in Strasbourg and Paris - I will be enjoying it very much!

Coping with the disappointment

It's been a rough couple of days. I thought I was coping reasonably well with the disappointment of this cycles failure but once the period pain started, I actually started vomiting as either a pain or stress response and had to go home from work. Then the pain sent me into a mental tailspin and I had an anxiety attack- something I haven't experienced for a long time.

This was one of my fears about coming off my antidepressants - that I wouldn't cope well and I wouldn't have that safety net. Today I had another anxiety attack at work, but was able to go down to the sick bay and lock myself in for 20 minutes to deal with the worst of it and nobody saw me. I'm feeling much better this afternoon, but it is something that I'm going to have to watch out for. Thanks to a lovely doctor, I have some Valium tablets to help me sleep if I get too worked up but I've only ever used that as a last resort.

Murray and I had a good talk this afternoon and have decided not to go ahead with the other donated embryo at this point. My mental health is more important right now, and even though I have only had two mild episodes, I had forgotten how awful they can make you feel. We are going to hold out until the public IVF program is up and running again and make sure that we are ready then to deal with the emotional side of things.

Bust

As expected, the blood test showed up negative. My doctor is happy for me to go ahead with another transfer of the other donated embryo but we are going to leave it for now. With only one 2 cell embryo left, I don't like our chances of a successful thaw, so it's better that we leave it as a back up if future treatment fails.

For now we are regrouping and going back to waiting for either the adoption to come through or for the public IVF to become available. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy planning for our holiday in December, and try and lose the extra couple of kilos I've put on over the last four months.

We will be okay. It's sad but I'm not going to self-destruct.

Posted with Blogsy

Day 32 - facing the music

Negative again. We are both really upset, but trying to find comfort in each other.
Official blood test on Wednesday but not expecting any miracles.
Luckily I had pre-booked today off work as annual leave so spent the day in my PJ's moping around the house. Not sure what our next step is, maybe use our last donated embryo, or just wait until after we get back from Europe. I don't really want to think about it right now.

Day 30 - Negative at 8dp2dt

It's hard to know how to feel. I took pregnancy tests each of the last three mornings and they have all been negative. I know it is early to test, and that there is the possibility of it being a 'false negative', but it has definitely taken the wind out of my sails. I felt so positive that this cycle had worked, and now I feel deflated, like there is no hope at all.

I've been going to my acupuncture sessions every two days which has been helpful to keep the stress levels down but it hasn't stopped me from having a couple of tearful moments where I realise the odds are so low for us. I have been bone tired the last few days and I really thought that might have been a symptom but I guess that was all in my head.

I'll do it all again tomorrow no doubt.

Day 26 - 4dp2dt

It's hard to know what to feel right now. I keep waiting for a sign, something that will tell me 'yes' this is happening, or no it's not going to work. I know there is nothing I can do but wait and pray, and that's what I am doing.

No symptoms, absolutely nothing. I'm planning to test on the weekend at some point, probably on Sunday when I will be 11 days past ovulation. It still won't be perfect, but it will give me some idea at least. I have next Monday off work which will be nice to give myself time to deal with the disappointment of negative if that's what the result is.

On September 8th, it is my graduation ceremony. It took many years of working full time and studying part time but I finally completed my business degree and the graduation ceremony is the final celebration. My Mum, Murray and his sister are coming along to see me get my certificate. At least if everything turns pear shaped, I have something to look forward to.

Trying to stay positive...

Posted with Blogsy

Day 18 - The Human Incubator

We now have one beautiful little embryo on board! Transfer was at 7.45 this morning, and I had my lovely friend Bec with me who managed to take a few photos.



All dressed in my gown, getting ready for the procedure

It was all very stress-free with virtually no pain or discomfort during the procedure which was nice. We got to see the embryo on the screen, and next thing you know the embryologist is saying 'all clear' and it's over and done with. The procedure at our clinic is to then lie down for half an hour in recovery which was nice considering how early we had to leave to get to the clinic on time.

My blood test is on Wednesday September 3rd which seems just so far away right now. I will probably test before hand, but I'll just see how it goes and how I am feeling. In the meantime we have named our little emby 'Olaf'. If you don't have kids yourself, you might not catch the reference, but it is the snowmans name in Frozen!

Introducing Olaf!



Our little 2 cell embryo 'Olaf'

As we were walking out of the clinic, I saw a very interesting sign on the wall about a low cost IVF option that the clinic has just started. From the brochure the receptionist gave me, the natural IVF is without medication, while the 'standard' IVF is for day 2-3 transfer, using Synarel suppression, gonal-f and no ICSI. It probably isn't suitable for us but should this cycle be unsuccessful, I'll definitely bring it up with my specialist and see what he thinks. It is definitely a huge saving compared to the normal prices! It's awesome to see that clinics are making an effort in this area.



Sign up in the hallway

Day 17 - Ready and Waiting

Our little embryo has been defrosted and it thawed out perfectly according to the embryologist! I start my progesterone pessaries tonight, and transfer is all booked for the morning. I have to be at the clinic at 7am, and my doctor will do the transfer at 7.45am. Unfortunately Murray has an early morning at work, so my best friend (another Bec!) will be coming along with me. I'm glad I'm not doing it myself, although I have done in the past if I have had to. It's nice to be able to talk to someone and settle my nerves.

One of our traditions is to name our embryos at transfer, so I need to start working on names. We have had Snug & Buggles, Honey, Vanilla and Frosty. Usually they 'sticky' or cold names - I'd love all of your ideas please!

I had another acupuncture session this afternoon, and afterwards I decided to walk back to the train station through Northbridge. On the walk, I spotted the most adorable baby display in the window of Beau Est Mien - they have little crocheted stuffed toys and the cutest organic baby clothes. This will definitely be my first stop if get pregnant this cycle!

Day 14 - #unsoliciteduterusupdate

My body has decided to cooperate and ovulate on its own! My LH has surged to 16 which indicates ovulation. My estrogen is 1839 which is a big jump from yesterday, and my progesterone is 2.6. I need to go in tomorrow for another blood test to confirm that I have indeed ovulated, but all is looking good.

I had two moments today where it felt like God was telling me 'it's time'. When I was driving home in the rain, it eased off for a few minutes and not only did one full rainbow appear, it turned into a double rainbow! I feel strongly that rainbows are a sign of God's promises to us, so that left me feeling really optimistic.

The second moment happened at dinner. I made some delicious chicken and rocket sausages in the thermomix and we ate dinner on our bench next to the kitchen, rather than our usual spot in the lounge room. As I opened my eyes after saying Grace, I had this image flash in front of me, almost like a vision, of a high chair sitting at the end of the bench and a child sitting in it eating their dinner with us.

I continue to pray and hope.

Posted with Blogsy

Day 13 - more blood tests

Five days in a row of blood tests and my poor veins are not coping well. My left arm has only very shallow veins that are really easy to collapse, and my right arm has only two veins that the phlebotomist has had success with getting blood from. I've had a few issues this cycle where the person has tried one of the non-preferred veins and I've gotten quite faint and in pain as a result of the slow bleeding and having to move the needle around in my arm. Fingers crossed I don't have too many more to go.

Today's estrogen level is 1389, progesterone is 2, and LH is 9, so it doesn't look like I will ovulate on my own. The clinic has asked for me to do another blood test in the morning (ouch), plus an ultrasound, and pick up a trigger injection which I will use to induce ovulation if my LH levels haven't surged by tomorrow morning.

This weekend has been really lovely. Hubby and I went for a lovely breakfast in Subiaco after my appointment at the clinic yesterday, and while I had my acupuncture appointment in the afternoon, he went and had a face shave and beard trim at the barber. On a whim I called up some friends of us who happened to be in the next suburb over, so we went to Mount Lawley and had a drink and some snacks to catch up. The weather in Perth seems to have lost its winter edge, if only for a brief respite from the cold weather we've been having, so it was nice to get out a bit.

I appear to have convinced my subconscious that this cycle is going to work. My brain is thinking about baby names, nursery furniture and maternity hospital choice. Even when I deliberately try and think about other things, it all comes back to being successful. My worst fear is being unsuccessful and plunging into a deep dark hole.

Day 12 - Acupuncture

Somehow blogger managed to cut off the second half of my post yesterday.

I am doing an acupuncture session this afternoon. I had my first appointment with 'Catching Young' in North Perth on Wednesday afternoon, and I was so relaxed that my legs turned to jelly afterwards! I've done acupuncture in the past, mainly for migraines and relaxation, but research seems to show good success with IVF so I'm giving it a go.

We are on our way to the clinic now for my scan and blood test, and then I think we might go out for breakfast somewhere in the city. Usually on Saturday mornings I go for a run or take the dogs out for a walk, but that might be shelved for this week as I am still recovering from my cold, and now am all dressed nicely for the day.

Day 11 - blood tests and running around

Another day, another blood test. Estrogen has risen to 1040 from yesterday's 870, LH is 8, yesterday it was 7, and progesterone has dropped from 1.8 to 1.6. Have to go in for a blood test and ultrasound in the morning.

I bought the cutest dog cushion/toy on my lunch break today - I love it!

Day 9 - Blood test results

I had my first blood test this morning and I just got the call from the clinic with my results. My estrogen is at 708, LH is at 9 and Progesterone is 3.9. I have to go in tomorrow morning for another blood test - fun! At least the numbers look promising - I might even ovulate by myself and not have to do a trigger injection!

Day 9 - IVF and a public program update

We have been following up with our local minister about the public IVF clinic, and our local member has followed up for us with the Minister for Health. We previously had written directly to the Minister but basically got the brush off that it was being reviewed, and we weren't given a timeframe for how long that would be. The letter we received back today indicates that it will be 'finalised' within three months. Whether finalised means actually commencing in three months or not is a whole other story.

I am back on the IVF wagon. I still pray every night that we get the adoption phone call, but now that I have started the process again, I realise I have opened a box that two years ago I closed up and put on the shelf. Now that it is open, I spend my train trip contemplating nursery paint colours, and as a drift off to sleep I think about different obstetricians and the pro's and con's of public and private hospitals. I consider how pregnant I would be at certain points of our holiday at Christmas, and whether a particular location would suit me better if I was with child. It's an obsession, one that I managed to come to terms with while we knew it wasn't happening. But now, it's different. The box is open. We are doing this embryo transfer, and now the public IVF program is going to be re-opened. If this cycle doesn't work, then we will be pursuing full IVF. It scares the hell out of me, but I am going to do it. I need to – I am stubborn and refuse to let this defeat us.

Day 5 - Still unwell

This cold/flu bug that I've caught hasn't let up. I'm up to my eyeballs in snot and tissues, constantly going to the bathroom to empty my bladder from all the water that I've been drinking, and coughing up my lungs while simultaneously overdosing on throat spray and lozenges.

I haven't been at work since Wednesday which is frustrating, not just because I'm busy at the moment and don't want to put more pressure on myself, but because from next week, I'll possibly be needing to take time off to attend appointments at he clinic. It's not an issue for me to go to get blood tests and the like done, but it does eat into my time, I don't want to appear unreliable or like I am never there. I have decided to not tell too many people about this cycle, so only two people at work know about this treatment cycle, and I haven't told my boss. My Mum and two best friends know about this cycle, plus two work friends, and Murray has told one workmates but that's it. For us, who are usually very open with our treatment, it is quite unusual.

I guess we didn't want to place too much pressure on ourselves - having everyone ask how it is going, or if we will try again. Also explaining why we are doing IVF - have we given up on adoption? So many questions, and I don't want to go crazy over this cycle. I am no longer on anti-depressants for the first time in seven years and I don't want to set myself up for failure, and go back down that rabbit hole.

Fingers crossed I start feeling better soon. I don't want to be ill when the embryo transfer happens - I need my body at its best!

Posted with Blogsy

Day 3 - Man flu

I've been hit by the man flu. You know, the flu where you whinge and complain and sigh every five minutes, even when you know there is nothing that can be done? Yep, I got it.

My only consolation is that I have it now and not later on closer to the transfer. I cannot afford to let anything mess me up before the transfer. Speaking if which, I really should arrange for that acupuncture as well. Maybe when I feel better.

Day 1 - it begins

Today is Day 1 of my cycle. We are starting our frozen donor embryo cycle. Consents are all signed and with the clinic. I'm booked for my first blood test next Wednesday and I start taking Clomid tomorrow morning.

I'm scared, absolutely petrified of more failure. Yet I smile when this catalogue landed in my mailbox this afternoon. Hope is inescapable.

Logistics

 

Picked up my medications this morning from the clinic. I forgot how much waiting around there is. My appointment was 30 minutes late, but luckily I had a great nurse coordinator today, who is incidentally doing IVF herself.

I will be doing 100mg Clomid on days 2-6, then a blood test on day 9 at the clinic. After my results are in, they will let me know when my first ultrasound is, and from that we will know if I need the Pregnyl trigger injection or if I will ovulate on my own.

 

I have a feeling I will be catching lots of taxi's to and from the clinic this month. Usually there is bus that takes me from fairly close to my work, straight past the clinic. Today however the bus must have been early, so I had to catch a different bus, and then walk ten minutes to catch another bus, to finally make it to the clinic in 30 minutes instead of the usual ten or so. There is a taxi stand right at the front of my work, which will be much easier, although admittedly a lot more expensive.

 

There is an acupuncture office next door to the clinic, and I am contemplating having acupuncture done in the days before the transfer. I know the jury is still out as to whether it works or not, but I figure it can't hurt. What's another $80 on top of the thousands that we are already spending! I might have to do a little more digging first though to see if there are any recent studies of the impact acupuncture has on success rates.

Appointment booked

I have my clinic appointment booked for tomorrow morning. Initially they weren't going to be able to see me until August 8th but I explained that I was trying to fit it in ASAP so that we could cycle next month, and also that I already knew what I was doing pretty much, so they juggled things around and I got in for tomorrow- hooray!

The appointment is just to pick up consent forms and any medication that I need, so it's not that big of a deal but I need to do it before cycling so it's another box that's ticked.

CD 27 today. Fingers crossed it can hold out an extra few days so that we are cycling in August!

Excitement

I can't stop thinking about this cycle. I can't help but feel positive that we could fall pregnant and have a child through this. It's hard to temper the thoughts. We have been here so many times before. This one is different because it is the first time we have cycled with my weight in a normal range, which is a big deal, but who know if it is going to be enough to let us fall pregnant.

Posted with Blogsy

Donated embryos again

We received the profile of a couple who have chosen to donate their remaining embryos yesterday. They did IVF in 2004 or 2005 and fell pregnant on a frozen transfer cycle, and also subsequently fell pregnant naturally.

The law in Western Australia is that you can only keep embryos for a maximum of ten years, and then need to make a decision as to whether you wish to apply for an extension (if you still have intent to use them and are of an age where that is still possible), discard the embryos, donate to science (which is not always a viable option as there may not be a suitable program approved at that time), or donate the embryos to another couple. My clinic has an anonymous donated embryo program, which is what we accessed two years ago for treatment.

There are a couple of different couples' embryos available at the moment but the clinic believes that these embryos are a good match for us. The female was 34 at the time of egg collection, they are of similar appearance to us, and have many other similarities such as one of them being a teacher, and both enjoying sport.

The only concern we have is that the embryos are frozen at Day 2 stage, which means they are only 2-4 cells. We originally had said to ourselves that we didn't want to try anything less than a blastocyst, but that wasn't the standard ten years ago when these embryos were frozen. The good news is that the couple fell pregnant with these embryos, and even better that they fell pregnant naturally which makes me think that there isn't anything wrong with either component, and perhaps it was unexplained infertility instead, or more to do with carrying the baby.

I have sent an email to the clinic coordinator to see when we can cycle with the embryos. As usual, my doctor is very conservative and will likely only approve us to transfer one embryo which I am not too concerned about - either it will work or it won't. Financially, it's poor timing, and I'm a little frustrated that we have to pay a fee that we have paid once before that we thought covered us for all future donated embryos we use (a freezing fee which I believe although dont know for certain, goes towards reimbursing the donors for the cost of freezing those embryos. I have emailed the CEO of our clinic to enquirer about the fee and if there is any chance of getting relief from it. In the end, we will pay it if we have to, but it is an extra $700 for nothing extra, and we distinctly remember that they said it covered us for all future donated embryos.

I'm trying not to allow myself to get too carried away, but I can't help it. I'm not anywhere near as excited as I once was years ago about carrying a child. I came to terms with not being pregnant a while back, and the thought of now having to do pregnancy and labour is sort of a weird thing. It's good, but yet, I've been so focused on adoption this last year that it all seems rather odd. One thing at a time though, we just need to get to cycle first, let the embryos defrost properly, transfer without any issues, and hope and pray.

Posted with Blogsy

A fertility plan

We had an appointment with our fertility specialist on Wednesday. The purpose was mixed- getting a third opinion on our IVF prospects after the two specialists through the public system had differing views on whether I should consider donor IUI (treat me as a brand new patient post weight loss) or alternatively that I should do PGS with IVF/ICAI if we were to go down that path again due to recurrent implantation failure. While we don't plan on doing IVF through a private IVF clinic again, we also wanted to find out about where the donor embryo program is up to; whether there are any embryos available and what the way pity of those is like.

Dr Thonpson was happy with my weight loss and thinks that we have nothing to lose by pursuing donor IUI, however he thinks we are good candidates for pursuing donor embryos. We will need to do our donor counselling again as we last did it around four years ago and they like to renew it every two years. We are booked in to do it on Wednesday afternoon just to get it out of the way.

After that is done, then we can look at see if what donor embryos are available. Last time we pursued this, it took a while for them to become available and they weren't the best quality, however the donor coordinator suggested that it is quite different this time as they have cleared a lot of people from the wait list, and many people have returned the forms to donate their embryos which is promising.

We have said for a while that we don't have a preference of how we build our family, and although we have heavily invested in adoption, we particularly have a heart for embryo adoption/donation and would like to pursue that option.

Obviously we have also committed to our Europe holiday so funds aren't flowing freely, but thanks to a promotion Murray had received, we are in a position that we can do one embryo transfer as well as our holiday, so we are going to consider doing it if the right situation and embryos present itself.

We are throwing ourselves back into the race!!

Adoption update & a White Christmas!

On Friday we spoke with the adoption agency again. We are trying to restrict ourselves to only calling every three months or so, because realistically, if the agency hasn’t called us then there isn’t any news.

In WA, you don’t get told whether or not your profile has been put forward to a birth parent to help prevent disappointments, so we wont know that we have been considered until we are actually chosen.

This week marks eight months on the waiting list, which in reality isn’t a long time, particularly when there are so few children placed for adoption. I wont lie though, it is definitely a little disheartening

In terms of information from the agency, there are currently no children with special care needs in care, which is a change from the 50% last year, and there are around six children in care, however some of those will likely return to their parents. While we remain hopeful, we know that in all likelihood, we will not be placed this year.

We were not planning on making any holiday plans as we know that we wouldn’t be able to get a passport for our adopted child if an adoption did take place, so this year was a holiday free zone. After speaking with the agency however, we decided that it wouldn’t hurt to at least think about going on holiday. 24 hours later and we have now booked flights to Europe for Christmas!!! Completely unplanned, but we found an amazing deal flying to Amsterdam right at the beginning of our annual leave period, and so we jumped and bought them! After a week of furiously looking through dozens of websites and Lonely Planet guides, we think we are going to doing some travel through Germany and France, heading to Cologne, Frankfurt, Strasbourg for Christmas, and then a few days in Paris before heading back to Perth on New Years Day. It’s just our sort of thing, short train trips to explore new places, although I’m not so sure how I’m going to cope with the freezing cold weather! Even in the midst of winter here in Perth, I’m sitting inside with a short sleeve shirt and skirt on a balmy 18 degree day (64 fahrenheit).

Part of us is hoping that, having bought the flights, we have jinxed ourselves and we will be placed for adoption and not be able to go on the holiday. We would lose the money on the flights (non-refundable tickets), yet it would be worth every cent. So who knows – let’s make God laugh by telling him our plans!

The super amazing kitchen machine!

I am completely and utterly spoilt. It is both my birthday and Murray's birthday this month and in combination with that, I also finished uni this month. Yes I finished my degree !!! More on that later...

As a joint birthday and graduation present, we bought a Thermomix! I have been wanting one for about a year after going to a demo and seeing how awesome they are, and know I finally have my own! For those out of the loop, it's basically an amazing kitchen machine, it combines the functions of half a dozen kitchen appliances and can blend, mix, mill spices, cook, stir, pulverise, grind- basically whatever you need it to do!

So far I have used it to make pasta, sauces, rice, brownies, cakes, cinnamon scrolls and dip! I'm hoping to document my thermomix adventures on the blog as I go along. I bought a few specific recipe books, but I'm also having fun just playing around to see what works. I've never had a food processor before so that part of it is very much a novelty, and being ale to mill my own floor and spices is great, as is being able to cook food in it without having to watch it or stir.

It is ridiculously expensive and like I said, I am very spoilt, but it is replacing a broken blender and mixmaster so I don't feel terribly guilty. And it is a reward for finishing uni!

Speaking of which, once I get my exam results back in two weeks, I will finally get my graduation date!!! I have been studying part-time at night for the last six years while I worked full time to do my degree in Business Administration, focusing on management, and I completed my final two units this semester. I am so proud to actually have done it, being the first person in my family to get a degree! While it won't change my job situation that much right now, it definitely helps me in the future if I decide to pursue a career in management, and it's also a huge source of pride for me to have achieved it.

I am hopefully going to do some postgraduate studies ins field later on but am planning a year off uni study while I do some vocational study in training and assessment through my workplace. The bonus of having worked while studying is that I have also paid off my HECS (student loans) completely as off this tax time which is awesome!


Anyhow, I'm off to play some more with my thermomix! I made the most incredible spiced pumpkin cupcakes with cream cheese frosting last night- recipe coming soon!

Hope

I had a phone call today on my mobile from a number I didn't recognise, and once again I got that feeling of 'what if'. My heart started beating faster and I felt my body stop all at once. Of course it was nothing to do with the adoption, but for the second time to date I had that feeling of craziness.

I can't wait for when that phone call finally comes.

Staying still yet moving forward

"So, have you heard anything".

"How long do you think it will take before you get your baby?"

"I'm praying for you".

Nearly every day someone asks Murray or I how the adoption process is going. It is lovely that so many people care about us and are supportive of what we are doing. At the same time, it can be a little hard to have to say over and over again, that no, we don't know how long it is going to be before we get our child - if we get our child. Yes it's not fair that some people can have children very easily while others can't. Yes we would make good parents. No we don't mind if it is a boy or a girl and no we can't choose.

Sometimes we come home weary and hold each other, tired of the questions and wishing for a simpler life. But I would never give up what we have. Because each question asked is a statement of support for us, and for the child that will eventually be part of our family. While it might be a source of frustration at times, it also is a source of strength and encouragement.

Each day brings us closer. We can stand still and yet still move forward at the same time. I think that is the beauty of this whole process. I don't have to do anything more. Nothing I do now makes a difference - it all comes down to how God wants this situation to work out. Whether a birth parents chooses to parent or relinquish. If they want a home with dogs for their son or daughter to grow up with and love. It's out of our hands.

And while we wait, we thank God for the support and love of our friends and family. Because regardless of the questions, they keep us grounded and faithful in this journey.

Adoption playgroup

I had the day off from work today and was able to attend a playgroup which is for local adoption children. I had emailed one of the Mum's who organises the group and she encouraged me to come along and meet everyone and see what it was like.

I had a great time meeting all of these different people who have been through the same process that I am going through right now. A lot of the children were from the special care needs pool as well which gave me some idea of what might be expected. I got a great insight to some of the challenges that are faced but also the awesomeness of having a child through adoption!

One of the things that came out of it, was some information about the Philippines inter-country adoption program. One of the Mum's 'S' was on the list for both the Philippines and local and her local adoption had a placement first. S said that the Philippines program is usually foster care, and priorities adoptive parents who are Christian as they are a Catholic country. Also they only require the adoptive parents to stay in the country for three weeks, which was of concern for us. It is also close enough by that we would be able to retain links with the child's culture which is great as well. S suggested that I look into it a little bit further, and I'm definitely interested in learning more about it.

Overall the morning was a really great reminder that we are on the right path and that adoption is really in my heart.

My love

The two of us spending time together last weekend

Babysitting duty

I am on babysitting duty tonight for my two beautiful nephews. William is nearly three, and Kevin is four months old. Murray and his sister go to the football together every fortnight and his sisters husband is away at the moment so I got the pleasure of the little guys' company for the evening.

We played with cars, cooked dinner together, watched some football and then had milk and off to bed. Little Kevin has been napping with two bottles drunk around his naps. I swear there is something beautiful about feeding a baby. Kevin was looking in my eyes, drinking his bottle and snuggled up next to me. It's peaceful and so loving. I hope I get to do a lot of that with our child.

We have been focusing all our attention on adoption for the last year or so, but over the past two weeks, I've been thinking about the possibility of seeing my fertility specialist. It's just an idea at this stage, to investigate what donor sperm is currently available at our clinic, and consider the possibility of perhaps doing a cycle of donor insemination.

I sought counsel from some friends, because I feel unfaithful for even considering the idea. I don't want people to think that adoption is my second choice, or a 'backup' because its not. I'm committed to it and I would love to parent a child that we adopted. However does that mean I should just so and wait and not consider fertility treatment any further. At last count there were 46 couples in the approved adoption pool. Even at an above average number of 8 children placed per year, that's potentially a 6 year wait- if we be replaced at all!

We don't have the money to consider IVF unless the public program starts up again, which is likely to be at lest twelve months away. But donor IUI works out to around $700 out of pocket per attempt once we reach the Medicare safety net which is definitely doable. Our previous know donor doesn't have any frozen sperm left which would mean fresh samples, and to be honest, I don't want to have to ask anyone for anything. The idea of using the donated sperm that is already at the clinic appeals to me at the minute, where we just select it, and don't have to think about the logistics of anything.

We have sent an email to the clinic donor coordinator just to see what the donor list is looking like, and from there we will consider our options. There isn't much point pursuing something that isn't available, so once we have all of the information available to us, we can make a decision.

We shall see...

Posted with Blogsy

Winner winner, chicken dinner!

Murray and I have extraordinary good luck when it comes to competitions. I received an email today to say that I won a facebook competition I entered on a whim a couple of weeks ago. The prize is two tickets to see Jason Derulo in concert, as well as a pair of Monster DNA headphones! I am super excited as I wanted to go to the concert but have been trying to save money for some renovations around the house, so was very pleased to get the email!

Over the years we have had lots of luck on our side. Here are just some of the competitions we have won:

• Trip to Sydney to judge the NBL All Star Slam Dunk Competition (Foxtel competition)
• Murray came 4th in an Rugby League tipping competition and won $6000!
• Last year I won movie tickets to our local cinema for a year for tipping all the Oscar winners correctly - 2 free tickets each week for a year!
• Tickets to the Rugby Union game between the Western Force and Waratah's this past weekend (competition at a pub, put your name in the barrel each time you buy a drink)
• VIP Box tickets to the Wildcats game a few weeks back (RAC twitter competition)
• A beautiful framed one-off print by Rebecca Wetzler through a City of Perth / Instagram competition
• Murray is a bit of a tipster with the horses and his local betting agency ran a local comp to tip all of the placegetters at Ascot Racecourse which Murray tipped perfectly twice - around $2000 each time!
• Murray has also been on a couple of radio competitions and won CD's and cash
• I won a couple of crafting competitions which snagged me some pretty fabric and patterns when I first started quilting.

So we have definitely been lucky!

Wedding weekend

Murray and I attended a beautiful wedding on the weekend, which was perfect for getting some new photos of the two of us. I hired a dress from a friend who has started a designer dress hire business, and it was sooooo amazing! Something I could never have afforded to buy for myself, but was pretty and made me feel great - I will definitely be doing that again!

#Selfie!

Murray with his parents and sister

The back of this amazing dress

Absolutely adore the colours on this. It is a Ginger & Smart dress

Murray and I together outside the church

More selfies

I had my hair curled for the day and I loved it! Will definitely have to try this at home

An update from the adoption agency

I rang the adoption agency this week to have a chat and see what was happening. We have been in the approved pool for four months, and we know that it could take a long time, but I want to try and keep in contact with them so that I have an idea of what is going on. 

Our adoption officer was really lovely – he is the same guy who gave me the good news that we were approved which is nice. As usual, he reminded me that it is an unpredictable thing, but that they have been very busy this year, busier than they have been in the three years he has worked there.  He said there is the potential for 6 or 7 placings to happen in the next 6-8 months, which is a lot compared to 6 placings last financial year, and only 3 the year before that! Two children were brought into pre-adoptive care in the last week and a half alone, although of course some of those will choose to parent and not proceed with adoption. 

Our adoption officer gave as an anecdote of someone who was approved around the same time as use and was matched only 6 weeks later, so he said things can move quite fast. Something very exciting was that he said at the last matching, we were in the last seven or eight couples that were discussed. Eventually we weren't put forward for that child, but it still gives me a lot to be excited about that we are on some of the shortlists. 

As of April, there are 46 approved applicants/couples in the prospective parents pool, and only 6 in the special needs pool (including us). The officer said that "we have a lot going fo rus" as we are in the right age bracket, and that if our name has come up once in the short-listing process, there is a good chance that it will come regularly. The officer is happy for me to call every few months to check in and gauge the numbers, although they aren't allowed to tell us if our profile has been presented to birth parents unless of course we are chosen. I imagine it is too emotional a process if you get that much information.

All in all, I think it was good for me to get some extra information, just to keep my hopes and energy levels up.

99%

I'm struggling today. 99% of the time, I am happy, and my childlessness doesn't impact my mood or how I feel. I am grateful for what I have in my life, and that we are adopting.

Today I felt my empty womb screaming at me. I was sitting in church, surrounding by children and new babies, watching a little baby have their dedication. They read a verse from Psalms where it says that the fruit of the womb is a blessing and a reward.

I know I have been blessed. I have so much good in my life. But there is still a part of me that screams out - why am I not worthy of this particular blessing.

It was also the first time that I think I really acknowledged that I will not have a child from my body. There will be no heart beat that co-exists with mine. Although I have dealt with the theoretical side of things, of not having a biological child, I hadn't really brought that to a practical level. No giving birth. No child from my womb. I can deal with it if I KNEW that we would have a child through adoption. But relinquishing the hope of having a biological child for the HOPE of an adopted child, is so much to give up.

I'm okay with it. I've had a lot of time to grieve. But there are moments like today that grab me, and I imagine will always grab me and be a punch straight to the guts.

Waiting some more

On the 29th November our adoption profile went live. We are coming up to four months in approved applicant pool.

Surprisingly it hasn’t been too difficult just yet. I would go so far to say that it has been a blessing not to have been selected at this stage. I am weeks away from having worked for my employer for 12 months, which will entitle me to workplace maternity leave (28 weeks at half pay), on top of the federal governments maternity leave (18 weeks at minimum wage, which is around the equivalent of half pay). That will mean I can take at least 46 weeks off while still covering all of the bills and mortgage.

In the first month after putting our profile up, I went into crazy preparation mode. I put together the change table, cleared out the spare room, considered colours for the nursery walls, and became baby obsessed. That dissipated quickly as I realised that I wanted to take my time and enjoy this period of waiting. This isn’t a race. We will get the child that we are meant to have, and that doesn’t necessarily mean the first child that is up for placement. All in God’s timing. But that means learning to be patient and that has never been a strength of mine. This isn’t something that I can ‘achieve’; something I can plan, work hard at and then get as a prize at the end of it. I have to relinquish control. I am learning to do that more and more each day.

Murray and I are happy. Things are great in our lives, we have no complaint or quarrel. Having a child would bring so much more to our lives, but even as a family of two, we are good. For now.

Great expectations

Each day brings with it an expectation of how the day will progress.  Get up, go to work, cook dinner, go for a walk with the dogs, go to bed. Occasionally there is a movie or uni study thrown in, but our lives follow a fairly steady pattern of activity.

For the last three months though, there has been something different. We have Great Expectations. The sort where you are waiting for something amazing to happen. It's coming, I know it is. I can feel it.

A beautiful friend sent me a surprise gift in the mail that made me anticipate that special moment even more.

The Squirrel bookends are the same ones that Siobhan has for her twins and they will go so perfectly in our nursery. It was such a wonderful surprise; I cried for a good five minutes when I opened the parcel and read the heartfelt card.

Not only was it a lovely gift, but it is a reminder that we are not on this road by ourselves. Murray's school colleagues are always asking about how we are going, and every facebook post that is even slightly excited is met by 'did you get the phone call!?'. That phone call hasn't come yet, but knowing that people are waiting excitedly with me makes it that little bit more bearable.

Holiday photos

With our holiday over Christmas, hosting a new years eve party at our house, and returning to work on January 2nd, I've been a busy little bee. My blog is suffering somewhat, but I promise there are more posts in the works!

For today though, some photos from our trip to Singapore and Indonesia will have to suffice. Enjoy!

The pool at Turi Beach Resort on Batam Island Indonesia. We stayed here for 4 nights

The signs outside our room

The open air reception

My first teppanyaki experience - awesome!

We spent Christmas Eve at the resort and they put on a lovely evening, even if the singers didn't know any of the Christmas Carols they were singing!

Spending Christmas dinner at a little Italian restaurant on Batam - one of the best meals I ate on the entire holiday

Our favourite day of the holiday was visiting Singapore Zoo

Back in Singapore, enjoying our club level cocktails

The white tiger was prowling and roaring when we visited - very scary!

We got to see the polar bear! Absolutely incredible!

The view from the infinity pool at the club level - We highly recommend staying at Oasia Hotel

All the beautiful Christmas lights on Orchard Road

Even the shopping centres have amazing decorations

We went on the Singapore Flyer which was nice, except that it was rainy, and I was suffering from dizzyness and low blood pressure- not great timing!

We still managed to get a nice photo though

Then we did a DUCW tour which is an amphibious truck that drives on the road and then turns into a boat!

On the cruise part of the tour

More zoo

More zoo

Even more zoo

Can you tell we loved the zoo!

Chinatown

Heading back to reality - goodbye Asia, hello Perth!