Day 1 - FET #6 - Each day is a new beginning

So we are going straight into another frozen transfer cycle. It seemed to be the best option, we have paid a lot of money for administrative costs surrounding counseling, transfer of ownership and embryo freezing, and I'm in the 'treatment zone' as I like to call it. I'm used to waking up early for the blood tests, and I am in a good enough headspace to keep going for now.

I know a few people commented with concerns about my 'obsession'. I truly have been blessed in my life, I know that. I live in a free country, have married a wonderful man and have a great family. But there is a giant child sized hole in our life and hearts, and yes- that has left me at a point in my life where the one thing I can't have, I desire the most. The thing is, just like everything in my life, I am going to go after what I want. And I don't do things by halves. I put my everything in. That's just how I roll.

Day 28 - Cycle busted

No surprises, the blood test result was negative.

Had a meltdown at the pathology clinic this morning, resulting in me yelling at everyone in the waiting room. I'm sure it will be funny once this black cloud lifts.

Have come home from work early so I can mope in peace without running behind the bookcases to cry my eyes out.

I'm ready for happiness. I just wish it would find us already.

Day 26 - Testing

Murray and I agreed to test tonight instead of before work in the morning. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. The test was negative. I have to go for my official blood test on Tuesday morning, but the test was pretty stark.

My head is pounding and I'm upset, but I suppose I should never have expected anything different.

So onto Plan T, or is it Z? I've lost count. Another frozen transfer of a donated embryo. This time I'm going to ask them to grow the embryo further to make sure it is still expanding, and then if it doesn't keep growing, we will use the day 5 embryo instead. I don't know if it's even worth doing.

Maybe I should admit defeat and wake up to the fact that I'm not going to be a mother.

Day 25

I'm anxious. Then happy. Then scared. Then joyous. Then hopeful. Then anxious. Murray jokingly says I've turned emo. He's not wrong.

Day 24 - patiently waiting

I am feeling really positive about this cycle. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Little Chewy is safe in my belly. Chewy as in we hope he is going to stick like chewing gum. I'm surrounded by kids, and I love them all, but I ache for my own. Someone I can love with all my heart and not have to temper myself. It is what I dream of.

Day 22 - PUPO or A Little Bit Pregnant

Murray likes to tell me all the time tht I am PUPO. That is, Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. One of those infertility phrases you learn over the years. I like to think of it as a little bit pregnant. After all, we 100% know that there is a fertilized egg, an early embryo in my uterus. We don't know if it will develop further, but the one thing that gives me some hope is that the couple who donated this embryo were successful before us, and I'm fairly sure that would have been from the same batch as this little one. Lord I hope so. Only 6 more days until we get the results. I bought a pack of pregnancy tests from the supermarket this evening. I ummed and ahhed about whether to get them, but I know that I will want to know the morning of the test to prepare myself as much as possible for the official result. On Tuesday I am also going to a meeting that my brother, his partner and her mother will be at to discuss what's happening with guardianship etc of my neices and nephews. I just want them to be safe and happy. Hopefully the meeting will help us resolve some things. We've loved having the littlest one Jack around, and hope to be able to take him every so often, which also gives his parents/careers a break. Apologies for the lack of paragraphs in some of my previous posts- I assure you I haven't declared war on grammar! For some reason the new blogger layout isn't compatible with my iPad, which is my main blogging medium these days.

Day 20 - Business as usual

So today was all business- back to work, back to the daily grind. I'm. Tying to put the IVF stuff out of my head, but I am definitely more emotional than normal. My favourite Internet forum (yes I'm a geek!) set me off in tears, and when Murray tried to comfort me, I pushed him away and get all frustrated. Probably just the progesterone being pumped into my system, although I always that that was meant to be a mood balancer. I got to Skype with my youngest brother tonight in Afghanistan! Recently he has had a lot more access to the Internet so we have skyped a couple of times and facebooked each other. It definitely helps to put my mind at ease about him and how he is going over there. He is due back in early July, and I can't wait to go over there, as well as the fact that I get to hang with my favourite blog friend Sass! Only 8 more sleeps until we know...

Day 18 - IVF #15, FET #5, Donated Embryo

So today didn't start off in a good way. We woke up to a call from the clinic at 7.30am, the embryologists wanted to talk to us about our embryo. I got the impression from yesterday's phone call with the nurse that the embryo had continued to develop since it was thawed, but that was not the case.

It was thawed at midday on Friday and as a day 2 embryo it was 3 cells. Ideally it would have divided again and become a 6-8 cell embryo by today but it was still at three. The embryologist explained that it was still not a full 24 hour period, but that the fact that it hadn't continued dividing wasn't a great sign.

We were given the option of either continuing with the transfer as we planned and give it a chance in my womb, or waiting to see if it would develop further over the next few days and try to grow it to blastocyst (not likely to happen) and then defrost the blastocyst that we have in storage to use that instead (of course assuming that it defrosts okay).

We decided to go ahead with the transfer anyway and went along to the clinic. I got dressed in my fancy pants scrubs and while we were sitting outside of theatre, the embryologist came by and saw us to chat about everything. She basically repeated everything we had discussed on the phone, and then casually dropped the bomb- only 5-10% of these type of embryos (ones that haven't progressed but haven't officially arrested) work. I don't know if that is 5-10% of the normal success rate (30%) or 5-10% success rate overall. Either way it is low, really low. To be honest if I knew that was the stat when I got that phone call, I'm not sure I would have made the same decision.

Murray and I looked at each other and I felt tears pricking my eyes. I managed to hold it together and we headed into theatre together.

So there I am, spread eagled on the table with my gynecologist knee deep doing his business, when he asks me when my last pap-smear was. Thinking it was just one of his routine questions, I tell him that I was last year and he asks if he I had ever had a result come back other than all clear. So now my brain starts ticking- what the heck is wrong! My very first pap smear was abnormal when I was 18 and I had to have a colposcopy. Eventually I was diagnosed with HPV and CIN level something, and had to be closely monitored for a few years. So I'm explaining that while all the embryo stuff is going on, and he asks me if there is a family history of cancer! Now I'm extra freaked out - my Mum had gyno cancer very young at 37. After all of that he says to me, oh, well your cervix is a bit red and now it's bleeding, so don't worry, it's not your uterus and cervical bleeding won't affect implantation. The whole event left me rather confused and I'm not sure if I should be going for another pap smear or if you just wanted a detailed history so he knew what he was looking at!

So back to the transfer, we had our three cell embryo transferred and my pregnancy test is on Tuesday 29 May, so at least it is not too long to wait. I am spotting a fair bit but my Dr said that would be from the irritation in my cervix and not be a factor at all. I am managing my expectations - its not impossible that this cycle could work, but it is unlikely. I guess the only other thing in our favor, however improbable, is that we had sex after my trigger injection and I had four eggs prime for ovulation, so you could consider this a double whammy- timed intercourse and a guaranteed embryo transferred into me. Certainly better than what we have had in recent times.

We have my beautiful nephew Jack with us tonight which has been such a nice time. We had a play date with our neighbours and went out for lunch with Murray's sister and parents. We have watched the footy on tv together, and tomorrow plan on seeing my Mum for her birthday. I love spending time with him. It helps ease the pain a little.

 

Day 17 - last minute nerves

So tomorrow is the big day- at 8.30am we go in for the transfer of our little embryo. When I called in for our time slot, they said that the embryo survived the thaw fine and has progressed from a day 1 to a day 2 today, so fingers crossed it may progress even further by the time of the transfer! Sounds like one strong, sticky embie! Apparently Concept do their answers in the theatre as opposed to the treatment rooms which is where I had my IUI's and where I have had FET's at my previous clinic. Another new thing is that we are asked not to wear perfume or any cream or deodorant that is smelly as it can affect the embryos? I guess after six years at this, you can still learn something new. We are looking after Jack again this weekend. We are picking him up after the transfer, and on Sunday we will be going along to the million paws walk which I think both him and the doggies will love! Wish us luck for tomorrow, I am just praying to God that we have finally reached our goal.

Day 16 - Consent forms, again!

Murray and I had a huge blue this morning. He had finally signed the last of the consent forms yesterday and emailed them through, but not to the email address I had given him. Of course the clinic didn't have our forms and they needed to defrost our embryo today, so I got the call at work to sort it out. I had to race home and find the scanned documents and resend them to the clinic, just in time thank goodness.
Things weren't pleasant between us for most of the day, but you know what, we both just said sorry and decided to move on. I was furious - eye popping angry that it could have ruined our chance for the transfer, but it takes so much out of you being angry, that I just didn't want to be angry at him anymore. So I wasn't. I've never really been able to do that before - just decide what emotion I'm going to feel, and do it. Maturity perhaps?

Anyhow, we are both being extra nice to each other tonight and we are off to the cinema to watch 'The Dictator' - something funny to make us laugh and spend time together. Hopefully my stress levels recede with the laughter too.

Day 13 - Trigger happy!

I have just done my trigger injection - hip hip hooray! Estrogen was up to 4000 today, four full-sized eggs but my body wont ovulate on its own so I had a 4000iu Pregnyl shot which will in 36 hours make me ovulate! Transfer will be on this Saturday which is 3dpo. I asked about the timing of the transfer as the embryos are days 1 and 2 but as I thought, they are going to to try and thaw them a day early and grow them in the culture, and if the first doesn't work, do the same with the other embryo. I can't wait! We still have to do a bit of faffing about with consent forms (my fault because I have misplaced the original bunch), but we are getting there!

Day 12 - Happy Mothers Day

So another Mothers Day passes me by. I Passed on the family breakfast and sent Murray to represent while I had cuddles with my dog-children. Had another trip to the clinic which showed my estrogen at 2900. I have to head back there tomorrow for a scan and they think I will trigger tomorrow night instead of today. Oh well, another day to try and get myself better before transfer.

Day 11 - The flu continues

My cold/flu is progressively getting worse so when I was in the clinic for my blood test this morning, I spoke to the nurse about getting some pseudoephedrine cold and flu tablets to help me feel better. I k we Paracetemol was okay to take, but was sure that type of drug wouldn't be allowed, but the nurse said that it would be fine for me to take, and recommended it as it would be better for me to get over this as much as possible before transfer. So I am now suitably drugged up and lying on the couch watching footy with my puppy dogs. Speaking of my blood test, my estrogen has risen to 1900 and my Dr is very happy with the progress. I have to head in for a final blood test in the morning, but it looks like I will trigger tomorrow night sometime. That would make ovulation on Tuesday morning and transfer on Wednesday (Day 1 embryo). If the embryo doesn't survive the thaw, then transfer will be Thursday as the other embryo is day 2. Babysitting my nephew recently has allowed me to let my imagination run wild about the things we will get to do with our future child- swimming lessons, Auskick (junior Aussie rules footy for kids), taking our kids to church, all the fun stuff that we will do together. I can't wait.

Day 10 - Ultrasound time

Another day of feeling sick - yuck! I've managed to get a throat infection/cold/some other yucky thing and I am exhausted from it. I dragged myself off to the clinic at 8am for my blood test and scan, only to sit there for an hour and a half... My scan showed a bunch of follicles around 8 and 12mm with no dominant follicle, so trigger is probably a few days away at least. I took my trigger injection home with me anyhow, easier to take it straight home and into the fridge rather than the secretive "hide-it-and-put-in-work-fridge" dance that I have to do on work days. Estrogen is up to 1800, so at least that looks good. Hopefully my bug will work itself out before transfer - I want to be feeling good and healthy for this baby!

Day 10 - Spending time with family

I've been lucky enough to spend a bit of time with my second youngest nephew Jackson lately. We babysat the whole weekend 2 weeks ago, and then had him for a night last weekend. He is 21 months old and full of life. It's been great fun having him around and getting to do lots of the Aunty things.

Day 9 - First blood test

I've managed to come down with a throat infection/cold that is doing my head in- Just what I needed for this cycle! So I have spent today lying in bed with strepsils, a bottle of water and my ipad and dogs keeping me company. My blood test was done this morning and my estrogen is sitting at 1300, LH 9 and P4 at 4 (from memory). So into the clinic tomorrow morning again this time for bloods and a scan. I don't think I'll be too far away from my transfer, although I will probably need a trigger injection to ovulate.

We had a great time last weekend at the Perth Wildcats MVP ball. This is the second time we've gone to the ball and this year had a 1920's theme which was great to dress up for. Murray and I went with another couple and had such a blast. They even had those photo booths were you jump in and get a strip of photos - they were hilarious!

And here is the evidence!

Me, Murray & our mate Craig

Yeah baby!

Day 3 - Here again

I have been bouncing around my house since I got home from work, flitting between thoughts of nursery's, primary schools and maternity leave, and the self-talk of not letting me get ahead of myself. I can't stop myself from looking at all the baby stuff on etsy. I've saved photos of my dream nursery on my ipad, and dragged out all the baby clothes from storage under the bed to look through. I can't help but feel like this is our turn. We took a break, gathered ourselves and this is our turn for things to go right. I will be heartbroken if it doesn't work, there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better if this fails, so I'm not tempering my spirit. I need to be positive about this.

Day 2 - Donor Profiles

So there are three embryos which we will be using, all from different couples. So here's the rundown of the information we have about the embryos...

Embryo 1

• Female 33yo, Male 30yo, married couple
  
• Female 166cm, Male 178cm
• Ancestry - Dutch, German, Russian, Australian, English, Irish!
• Female - blue eyes, blond hair fair skin
• Male - brown eyes, brown hair, olive skin

Embryo 2

• Female 35yo, single woman using donor sperm
• 5 foot 4, 93kg
• Green eyes, blonde hair, medium complexion
• Medical practitioner, post grad education
• Donor is 27yo, has brown hair and brown eyes and works in human resources

Embryo 3

• Female 32yo, married and used donor sperm
• Caucasian, 5 foot 4, brown hair, brown eyes, olive skin
• Teacher
• Italian/ American background
• Male donor has brown hair, grey eyes and is an engineer.

We have to use the embryos in that order, but to be honest I don't have any preference for certain characteristics over others anyway. The only preference I guess I have is that of a blastocyst over day 1 & 2 embryos but that is about success rates, not what our potential child will look like.

 

Day 1 - Lift Off

So it's game on. Day 1. I start Clomid tomorrow for five days and then have my first blood test on day 9 which is next Thursday. I've been a bit of a wreck today. Had a run in with the Big Boss at work, nothing bad but I had a bit of an attitude and then went of to the bathroom to cry my eyes out. I had a valid point with what I was saying but clearly my hormones were getting away from me. I just need to try and get it together and not allow myself to be so consumed by my emotions at work.

Consent forms

Our consent forms arrived today. Each treatment cycle brings a gazillion forms that we need to sign and return - financial info, informed consent for medical procedures, donor procedures etc. The price of a Frozen embryo transfer has gone up a lot since our last one a few years ago, it's now at $2400 plus a $400 transfer of ownership fee. So three grand for one shot. Please God, if I've asked for anything, please give me this.