I am meant to be at a first birthday party right now. For a beautiful little girl who I love to death, and even made her birthday cake for today. Instead I am at home in my bed, hiding from the world. I'm not coping.
I thought these IUI's would give me a little bit of hope and a feeling that we are actually doing something. Logically I knew the odds were against us, but somewhere along the way, the hope became too much, and now I am shattered.
Shattered because this is the last treatment we are doing now. We are on the public waiting list which Could take years, if they even take us because of our multitude of IVF, my weight and whatever other curveball will be thrown our way. Adoption is out due to my weight, we can't afford IVF let alone surrogacy which has been my latest thought. And 5.5 years down, we are still in the wilderness.
Shattered because I always believed that somehow, someway, we would be parents. To a real live human child. And I'm not sure I believe that anymore. My heart is broken.
So I am hiding. I am coping only by separating myself from the world. Scratch that, I'm not even coping then. The thoughts running through my head are ugly. I need some time out.
sending hugs your way which in the grand scheme of things, i know don't help much but i guess i just want you to know that i AM thinking about you, that you're NOT alone in how you're feeling and that you ARE loved by MANY!
ReplyDeletetake the break, enjoy christmas as much as you can, do stuff just for you and also for you and murray.
sending you lots-o-love Bec. life can be cruel when it doesn't work out how it should.
~x~
My heart breaks for you Bec. I wish I knew the words to comfort you.
ReplyDeleteSending you big, big hugs.
It's okay to hide hun xo
ReplyDeleteEven though you are hiding...please know that you are not alone. Some of us have been exactly where you are right now and we are thinking of you. I hid too, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop wanting to have a baby. I never was able to have a biological baby despite 10 years of IVF. I did however, become a mom....through adoption. PLEASE take the time to grieve but don't give up on becoming a mom. It doesn't take genetics to fall head over heels in love with another person....just take a look at your husband as proof of that fact!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it is all so hard for you :-( My one concern is that if weight rules out adoption, is it not possible in the time you have to try and work hard on getting your weight down? I know it's easier said than done but instead of ruling it out, isn't that something you do have some control over however slow it may take?? If you have PCOS have you tried Metphormin? I know you have probably have tried everything but I feel sad that you would just give up when some things are actually in your control.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through the 12WBT forums and have been having a stickybeak read.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say how sorry I am for you. I don't know you, but I cried reading your post. Much love to you and I hope that the universe finds a way to make your dreams come true in the future xoxo