Hoping and praying

Blood test is tomorrow morning and I am so scared. I don't know what to think, whether to get my hopes up, or just accept that it is over. I can't bear the thought of not being pregnant, of losing our chance of a child. My heart is aching.

And for the crash landing

My blood test results weren't great. In fact they down right sucked. My beta is only 35 which is pregnant but very low. The clinic have said that they don't want to get too excited about it as it could be another chemical pregnancy.

I just can't believe that after everything, after the absolute highs of this past few days, that it could possibly be taken away from us. The plans we have made, the dreams shared, all gone.

I have to go and have a repeat blood test on Friday to see what is happening. I asked the nurse what will be a good number for Friday and she said around the 100 mark. In my head I don't see it happening. I am so scared right now.

BFP

I can't believe that I actually got a positive pregnancy test. Actually not just one but six of them!

Murray came back from watching a football game on Saturday night, and after begging me not to test through the whole cycle, he changed his mind and wanted me to do a test. Apparently he just 'had a feeling'! So I did two tests, who knows why, and we sat in the lounge room to wait. I was so upset that I was crying, because I would rather have not known, that find out that this cycle hadn't worked. But we prayed together which helped to calm our nerves a bit.

We both went in and checked the result together, holding hands. At first we couldn't see anything and then I looked again and both had super faint lines! I mean super-duper, have to squint to see them kind of lines! But they were there! I just burst into tears, I honestly could not believe that I could be pregnant, it was the most surreal moment. Murray and I stood there for about 15 minutes hugging, and then I raced to the computer to google other faint HPT lines!!! Thank God for Google!

We decided that we would test first thing in the morning, but I only had internet cheapy tests, so we took a nice drive at 2am to the only 24 hour chemist in Perth half an hour away, to buy some First Response tests! That drive was so freaking funny, we would be driving along and then all of a sudden one of us would look at the other and burst out laughing! You could not wipe the smiles off our faces.

Sunday morning I tested using the First Response and another internet cheapie. The FR only had a faint line, but the other test came up darker this time, though still not as dark as the control line. I have taken many photos of the test and analysed them to death but everyone has said that they are definitely there - and not a figment of our imagination!

We were bursting with excitement by this point and had to tell someone!!! I wanted to blog straight away but my best friend and Mum read my blog so I needed to tell them first before I posted. First to know was my best friend Fiona. I still remember when she called me to tell me she had gotten a positive test when she was pregnant with her daughter- to this day it still feels me with warmth and excitement, so it was wonderful to be able to finally make the call to tell her our news.

We decided we also wanted to let our parents know as they are our main support people. We went to my Mum's house first and I was jumping out of my skin! But I managed to keep it together enough to wait until she had given us our belated easter eggs, and I gave her a present in return. I had put together a card with a positive pg test and a line that said "Arriving January 1 2010", as well as a book called "Not all Grandmothers knit - how to be a BAD Grandmother!" Once she read the card she looked at me and asked if that meant I was pregnant with a big smile on her face. Lots of hugging and tears followed. My brother was also there and had a huge cheshire cat grin once he heard the news.

We did a similar thing for Murray's parents, I gave them the present (minus the preg stick!) under the pretense that it was something for their Europe holiday next month. She told us we shouldn't have, and said she hoped this was her mothers day present instead. She started reading the card out aloud. It said "A special guest is arriving January 1 2010". It took a moment for her to click but once she did she let out a huge scream and came and hugged me for about 10 minutes straight! Murray's sister was also there which added to the excitement of it all. The room was buzzing with excitement, and so we stayed for lunch and gave all the goss we had.

My blood test is tomorrow (Tuesday) morning, so I am hanging out to find out what my HCG numbers are which will reassure me a bit. The lines seem to be getting darker but whether that actually means something who knows. I've just left a message with my clinic to call me back, thinking that I could get a blood test done today, but it's a public holiday so all of the clinical collection places are closed.

I don't feel like we have jumped the gun with this, although I'm sure some people will think we have. This may be the only time I am pregnant, and I want to enjoy it from beginning to end. No being sick with worry about whether my blood test results will be high enough, or if it's just another chemical pregnancy. Not getting excited isn't going to make it any less hard if this pregnancy doesn't end with a live baby in arms. So I am going to be happy and not allow those thoughts into my head. I am happy to tell the people I want to tell, and do the things I want to do.

I am so very happy right now. I am still in shock really. I just can't believe that I am actually pregnant! I'm trying to make sure that I am doing the right things - going for walks, eating breakfast and healthy snacks, and keeping up with the progynova and progesterone at the right times. I'm willing to do anything to keep this baby.

This might actually be happening...

I cant believe we are finally here!

Going out of my mind

I think this has been the most intense two-week-wait of my life. I guess the stakes are so much higher this time. I am so nervous about the possible results. I'm trying not to do a home pregnancy test and wait for my blood test on Tuesday but that seems like a lifetime away right now. But Im scared to do a home test because - what if I'm not pregnant? I don't know if I really want to deal with that if that's the case. But I guess that's the risk you have to take. To have the chance of something good happening, you have to take the risk of it not working as well. Not sure if I am willing to put myself through this again. God willing I wont have to.

Symptoms - sore boobs, gassy, nauseous at times, tiny cramps on occasions but not all the time, super hungry, serious weight gain. All of these could mean everything or nothing.

Ice Ice Baby!

Welcome aboard Vanilla. Yes as in Ice Ice Baby! Also as in we don't know what flavour this bubba will be - so it is still vanilla :) Silly I know but I feel like I am bonding already with my baby. I hope I am not getting ahead of myself but I want this so bad.

The transfer went well, minus the 40 minute late appointment, but I guess I should expect that by now! I got Dr Love doing the transfer again. Last time he did my transfer I felt a little weirded out by him, I felt like he was a bit condescending, but that could just have been my hormones at the time! He was okay this time, although he obviously didn't remember that we had met before. Also he started talking up our chances and how we have a 50% chance of falling pregnant this cycle, and because I am so younger it's probably even higher. I had to remind the guy that this was our 8th cycle and 5th transfer. He back-pedalled pretty quickly after that!

In case this cycle doesn't work, I have a follow up appointment already booked with my FS Doreen on May 11. But positive thinking and all that - I wont be needing it.

Beta is on April 28th. Now it's just the waiting. Hold on Vanilla.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day of our frozen embryo transfer, and hopefully the start of something wonderful. I have to go into this as positive as I can. I am going to be pregnant.

I've been spending a lot of time with my neighbours two little boys, and they are just so adorable! The older boy Xander knows who I am and says my name now which is super cute! He is 26 months old and the most gorgeous kid on the planet. I have already put my order in to get one just like him haha!

Megan (my neighbour) and I were chatting yesterday about kids, IVF and the whole drama, when she suddenly grabbed my hands and started looking at the lines that I have on them - I guess something like palm reading??? She said to me that I am going to have influence over and deeply love 13 children in my lifetime. Some of those children will be my own children, one could be our chemical preg last year, some might be my brothers children, and some possibly my future grandchildren or nieces and nephews. She said that even her children could be part of that number because I spend so much time with them and we live next door to each other. Quite possibly it is absolute nonsense, but it made me feel so good to finally realise that I can love children that aren't my own. I am allowed to love my neighbours children and feel good hugging them and playing with them. It's okay for me to love my nieces and nephews as much as I do. Even if the worst does happen and we are never blessed with children of our own, I will always have these children around me who I will love and care for no matter what.

Murray brought up the subject of adoption on the weekend. In the past I have always been the one to bring it up, along with all of our other options - surrogacy and donor embryos etc, but he broached the subject which was interesting. He said that seeing all of the adorable kids at church on Sunday made him realise that he didn't need for our children to be biologically ours to love them, and that if I was keen to, we should register for the adoption information seminars. We are going to wait to see the outcome of this transfer, and god willing it wont be necessary, but we are ready and willing to at least see where that path takes us.

Anyway, time for me to get off to bed, there's a big day ahead tomorrow! Please send us your prayers - we could really use them.

Starting the pessaries

Just another quick update. I haven't really been up to blogging lately, I'm comfortable enough just letting the days float past without thinking to much about the dramas of being infertile.

We are cycling again, I started my progesterone pessaries yesterday (I always forget how horrible they are!). Transfer is set for next Wednesday, nearly a year after the cycle where none of our embryo's made it to blastocyst. I pray that our last embryo defrosts fine and the transfer goes well.

Happy Easter everyone!

Medicare in Australia

IVF funding has come under threat in Australia, due to the GFC (I really hate that acronym!) Australia has a huge hole in it's budget and the politicians are getting ready to either means test the Medicare Safety Net or get rid of IVF coverage altogether from the safety net.

For those outside of Australia or don't know how it works, the safetynet is a taxpayer funded program where once you have spent $1100 out of pocket on medical expenses (Doctors visits, Obs, FS etc), you get 80% of all further out of expenses refunded. For example, if my IVF cycle is $9000, I pay the first $1100 of that out of pocket, but then get $6400 back from Medicare (80% of the out-of-pocket $7900). Does that make sense? Anyway, it's the only way that we can afford to use IVF, hell it's the only way most people can afford to do IVF! Private Health Insurance only covers the hospital bned day surgery and occasionally the anaesthetist.

This would be a huge set back for IVF in Australia. Bueracrats claim that IVF clinics simply put their prices up because they know that the safetnet will cover the extra cost, but do they really believe that IVF clinics are going to drop their prices if the safetynet no longer helps out? Somehow I don't think so.

We don't want to end up in the same situation as the US and other countries where IVF is prohibitively expensive that we end up transferring more embryos and end up with higher multiple rates - something which is highly controlled here at the moment with a high percentage of SET - Single Embryo Transfer. Surely the additional cost to the health system (and the taxpayers!) of having to look after high-order multiples would be a factor that they would consider? It doesnt make sense to take money from one area, only to have to find more money for NICU care and high-risk pregnancies and deliveries!

Don't even get me started on how this would affect us - we struggle to afford IVF treatment with a mortgage as it is - having the safetynet coverage taken away from us would have such a huge impact - I don't think we would be able to continue with treatment, that's how big it will get. And it's not just - a lot of people would no longer have the option of treatment. It really would become something only for wealthy people.

I have been writing to every politician that I can get the details of, in the hope that they will listen to an infertile woman's story and think for one moment how this will affect us.

Edited to Add - Just saw a news article that says they may change the scheme for IVF and OBS only, to reduce the 80% refund to 66%. That is better than nothing but it seems to be such a huge step backwards, and once again a huge impact on those who have to go through this. Sometimes I think people think we do IVF by choice!

Slack blogger

So I have been really slack lately and haven't been keeping up with everyones blogs. I have had gastro more times than I can count this month, plus work, plus you know how life gets away from you sometimes. Anyway, enough excuses - I want to hear how everyone is going. So please take a moment and tell me how you are, where you are at, and what's going on in your life.

The floor is yours and I am all ears :-)