Be careful what you wish for

I finally got my period after 84 days- and it is a b*tch. I am in agony and hormonal as a motherf*cker. That's a lot of swearing right there but it huuuuurrrttts. I want to curl up into a ball and cry like a baby.
I was having such a good weekend, I went to personal training, then went out to this pretty lake to meet friends for a picnic and walk. Things were going great, I popped all my picnic stuff and bag in the car and we went for a 15 minute walk. Only when we got back to my car, some bastard had smashed my passenger side window and stolen not only my handbag but the rest of the picnic stuff from my car!
I am so angry right now - thank goodness they didnt take the laptop or anything that was in clear sight in the back of the car. The area is very public which 100's of people around so they probably only had time to reach in and grab the stuff right there - a couple of cd's and the two bags.
Luckily I had taken my purse and phone with me on the walk otherwise they would be gone as well. Unfortunately my digital camera was in there, as well as a whole bunch of jewellery in my makeup pouch from the ball we went to last weekend.
I just want to catch a break, that's all. Surely that's not too much to ask for?

My little man

Having Charlie has enriched my life so much. He can be a complete and utter ratbag - weeing in the house when he is completely toilet trained, getting into my diary and eating pages from it, escaping through the front door when we get home and begging for food even though the guts has eaten far more then he should.
But he comes up and hugs me and lets me pat him; he goes for walks and runs with me, and licks the side of my face.

For now he is my baby, and I am going to enjoy him just like I would enjoy a human baby - with all the love in my heart.

Day 82 and counting

Now officially my longest ever period... which my body would just work for once. Premature menopause perhaps?

I've been pretty busy lately between work and uni, which has been a good distraction for me considering that we have done absolutely nothing fertility-wise.

I called our clinic yesterday to get an update on where we were at on the waiting list and have been told that they haven't progressed very far through the list and should now expect around May to get the call for a donor. Great.

It's not like I'm dying to jump back into treatment- in fact I'm quite enjoying my time out from it all - not worrying about whether I have taken my injection or taking time off work to do my egg collection. I'm slowly losing weight - down about 4.5kg at the moment, and I am genuinely enjoying my work and home life. But there is always that niggly feeling that something is missing.

Another friend had a baby on Tuesday, during the biggest storm that Perth has seen in decades. I am so proud of and for her - having the amazing home birth she wanted, but a part of me is screaming on the inside "When will it be my turn".

Day 73

My body is f&*(ed up. My brother is f&*(ed up. Do I need to say anything else?

New hobby

One of my goals or 'resolutions' for the year was to learn how to sew. Nothing fancy but I would love to be able to make clothes that look nice and maybe some cushions and soft toys. So I have invested in a very nice sewing machine (with a contribution from my mother-in-law who believes every woman should have their own machine - thanks!), and have started collecting fabric.

I think my favourite part of the whole sewing process is choosing the fabric! I have already got quite the collection happening.

Some of my favourites so far!

Will post once I have finally finished some of my projects!

Will it ever come!

I am on day 62 of my cycle with no end in sight. I thought my screwed-up cycles were past me. After all my last three cycles have been fairly normal length - 33, 28 & 28 days - so why on earth am I not ovulating now?

No real news for me, except that I finished my triathlon on Sunday. No pics as yet as I haven't got the energy to download them from the camera, but I managed to cut 6 minutes off my time which I am very happy with!

Donor update

Well actually there isn't all that much to update. I rang the clinic last week to see where we were on the sperm donor waiting list, and apparently we still have another couple of months to wait. So much for there being no waiting list, or only taking 2 months. I've been told to expect early April, but that could all change depending on donors and how many people are doing treatment around this time.

I'm trying not to think too much about it, I really am enjoying my life at the moment and am trying not to dwell on fertility stuff. It's just hard to always have this thing in the back of your mind, wondering and worrying...

I went to a 3rd birthday party at my best friends place for her little girl Mia on Saturday. She put on such an amazing event with pass the parcel, a perfect birthday cake, and activities for all the kids. But I couldn't handle it. Practically every person there was a mother or father and all they could talk about was kids and babies. It's not their fault, I know that, but I realise that I don't have anything in common with mothers. I don't have my own child, a baby who I love with all of my heart. I don't know about sleeping patterns or how to soothe a baby's cries, or deal with teething. Because I am not a mother. And I don't know if or God-willing when I will be.

I also went to another friends little boys 3rd birthday this morning. I love little X and feel very spoiled that I got to make his birthday cake (a Blue's Clues cake - pics coming soon!), but once again, as much as I love him, he is not my child. It really hurts.

I don't expect anyone who hasn't been through infertility to get it. People can sympathise, and they understand that we hurt, but nobody can truly understand the pain deep in your heart. The yearning for a child that you can love with everything you have. No matter how much I distract myself from it, that pain is always there.

I swear

I have the most dysfunctional family on the planet. Or at least in Perth.

No details, just frustration.

Mid-February

While I haven't been a particularly good girl with my food and exercise this week (Sorry my Foxy Red Team!), I have been very good when it comes to my FebuSave challenge! I haven't been spending excessive amounts of money, although I also haven't been limiting myself all the time - I forgot my lunch one day this week so I bought something from the food van that visits our office, and I also went out and had dinner and played bowls with a group of friends on Saturday night. Great fun without getting too expensive.

One of the things that I have been motivated to do as a result of thinking about my money and taking back control, is finding all of those little super accounts that I had when I was 18 and working a couple of different jobs, to roll over the cash into my main superannuation account. I went to a 'Lost Super' website (Google it - there are a couple which can do the job for you), and found out that I had at least two other superannuation accounts, one had the princely sum of $75 in it, but the other account had close to a thousand dollars sitting there that I would never have known about before. All it takes is filling out one form, getting my drivers license copied and certified (the pharmacist at the chemist can do this for you), and Voila - extra money in your super that you never had before!

Get Foxy!

Today is Day 1 of the Fernwood Foxy Challenge which I am taking part in. It's a 12 week program with weekly personal training, dietician advice and group PT, plus weekly challenges where you gain points. My short term goal is to complete the triathlon in three weeks, and my long term goal is to lose at least 6 kilos over the 12 weeks. It doesn't seem like a lot, but 6kg would make a big difference to me and it is the kickstart I need to feel confident about going back to IVF.

On the Febusave front, I have been super good this past week. I went to Ikea on the weekend to buy two bookcases (A bargain at only $115 each!) and managed to resist buying anything else. If you know me, you will know that is a huge achievement. The last trip to Ikea I came away with $170 worth of... well nothing really! And the other day I was out for a walk, and went past a nail salon. Instinctively I went to walk in to get a pedicure, but I stopped myself and instead went home and took out my ample nail supplies and gave myself a mani-pedi. Easy as that, I already had all of the stuff, it was just laziness on my part to get someone else to do it. An extra $35 in the bank account.

This is actually the first payfortnight in a long time that I still have money in the bank (and my credit card) at the end of the fortnight! Go me, and go Febusave!

With Valentines Day coming up, usually we get each other something small and then go out for dinner, plus probably a movie. Instead we are going to our usual Wildcats game, and then I plan to take out a picnic blanket and strawberries (a whole $4) and have dessert under the stars after the game. This saving thing can actually work - I just needed to be a bit more inventive and a little less lazy.

Febusave!

 
Something very exciting happened a couple of weeks ago, when the opportunity came up to be a supporting blogger for ANZ banks new initative for February - Febusave! The entire idea behind Febusave is that women should be empowered to look out for their money. That means learning how to save, budget, and open our eyes to our superannuation, shares and all other money related issues.

Whenever I have mentioned this new blogging opportunity to friends and family, they think it is hilarious as I am not the savings type and am definitely a shopaholic!  But I am taking this as a personal challenge to myself to get myself on the straight and narrow. After all if I can do it, anyone can!

So each blog post this month will include a little hint or tip to do with managing money, and I plan to personally give each one of them a go and I'll let you know how I progress. My goal at the end of the month is to have not spent unnecessary money - no clothes shopping, no extravagant birthday gifts for people, and using all the tools available to me to make my money go further. 

You can join up as part of the Febusave initiative at the ANZ website

Brothers and Sisters

Someone out in TV land, in the depths of the USA has had some real experience of infertility. I want to thank that person for persevering because thanks to them we have 'Brothers & Sisters'. So far there have been storylines involving miscarriage, IVF, adoption and now egg and sperm donors and surrogacy. The new season started yesterday on TV (So no one give away any plot details please!) and it was refreshing to sit down and see issues that I can empathise with on the box. Certainly better than Neighbours or Home & Away!