9 reasons why owning a dog is the best thing ever

1. Early morning snuggles

2. Watching him run to the gate when I leave for work
3. Beach runs

4. Watching him chase his tail like he doesn't realise it's a part of him
5. Teary, cheer-me-up snuggles
6. Going for adventures at new places

7. Watching his tail thump furiously as I walk in the front door
8. Sneaky nibbles of our leftovers when we have finished dinner
9. Late night snuggles

Can I just have a whinge?

My period arrived like a mother****** yesterday and I am in pain. Serious pain. Like pull out all the best drugs kind of pain.
I have asked for permission from my unit controller not to do my exam tonight. It means I have to do it sometime in February next year but I just can't deal with the thought of being stuck in a room of people for 2.5 hours.
Murray has been screwed over by his previous school - again. No details, just lots of anger and anguish on his part. He feels worthless and has taken a big hit over all of it.

It is all f*cked.
But we are alive. Even through the pain and anger and every other which-way emotion, we are alive and present. So I know I can get through it. We can get through it.

I just wish my cousin was here too.

In the midst of it all

In the midst of it all, there are small periods of brightness. Murrays sister is eight weeks pregnant. I am happy for her, and it has been the first thing that has lifted my mood since the accident. Yet I can't help but feel my own sadness at the news. I wish my brain would just shut off sometimes and just let me be. I don't want to be selfish and guilty and depressed.

I'm not sure if I will be able to make it to the funeral as I have an exam tomorrow and then an exam next Monday also, and the funeral is likely to be either this coming Friday or the Monday of the exam.

Grieving

It is our fifth wedding anniversary today but it is the furtherest thing from my mind. My cousin Shaun was killed in a motorcycle accident yesterday afternoon. I have not seen him for a couple of years as he lives in South Australia and now I will never get to again. I am in absolute shock as is my Mum and brother and the whole family. . Shaun is, was, a year older than me, only 25. I spoke to his Mum, my aunty, this morning. We just cried and cried. She said she is being strong but I just cant imagine how she is coping. I have arranged for my Mum to fly over Monday morning, and I am hoping to go to the funeral when it happens. Have spent all day in bed, alternating between tears and sleep. RIP Shaun.

Our day at the beach

Murray, Charlie & I went to the beach today to mark the first day of leave for me - No work for me until Nov 18th YAY! I took a couple of pics on my Blackberry but this one is my favourite, he is so damn cute!

It is Charlie's 1st birthday in a couple of weeks and we are organising a casual gettogether with our friends and their dogs along with doggy birthday cake! It's going to be so much fun!



The next step

We had a doctor appointment with our specialist this afternoon. He said that he had reviewed our file and with the recent cancelled cycles, he wasn't willing to continue IVF treatment without first doing Ovarian Drilling. I haven't been keen on the surgery but I have finally relented and agreed to do it. I am booked in for Feb 14 next year - Valentines Day. The surgery is completely covered by my private health insurance so it's worth a shot.

To be honest I don't know if I plan to do another IVF cycle for a while. Being in the doctors rooms today made me feel so uncomfortable, I just didn't want to be there, doing all of this. It's not what I want to be doing right now, so it is taking a back seat for a while. I have an appointment booked for another doctor in two weeks - we had to book six months in advance to see her, but now I am thinking about cancelling. I'm just really not sure.

Another thing we have done is arranged for us to be added to the donor embryo waiting list at Concept. We don't how the long wait could be but it's another option. Murray & I also have another idea which we are working on and hopefully I'll be able to show you here in a couple of weeks.

All of our friends are completing their adoption reference reports at the moment, so fingers crossed they will be submitted soon and we can continue along our adoption path.

Things are ticking over slowly but steadily which I am happy with. We are just enjoying ourselves and spending time together. It's our fifth wedding anniversary next Friday, and we love each other. We have our puppy Charlie who brings a lot of light into our lives. We are okay.

Next question - is Rebecca a good parent?

Our adoption referees have been contacted and asked to complete a questionnaire about us. About whether we could be good parents or not. I am filled with excitement and fear at the same time.

What if people really don't think we could be good parents? 

What if there are issues that we have never discussed? 

What if they secretly don't think we can do this, but because of our friendship, they wouldn't say something to our face but will write it down instead? 

I know it's crazy thinking, after all we chose our four closest friends, the people we trust the most, who know us the best, to do this for us. As the cover letter says, no parent is perfect, so they are encouraging people to write about the good as well as the not-so-good.

But matter how much I try and convince myself, I am running scared today. 

Deflated

R has decided that she isn't comfortable donating her embryos as a known donation, only anonymously. It took them a long time to make the decision to donate their embryos and they don't want to deal with anymore 'stuff' (eg counselling, quarantine times etc) dealing with it. I do understand where they are coming from, and 100% accept their decision. I just can't help feeling that tiny bit of disappointment, knowing that we may have had a shot at being pregnant and having a baby. Murray was really attached to the idea of embryo donation as well, so am worried about how he will react to the news.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Possibilities arising

I got a very interesting call from my friend B yesterday. B rang to tell me that a friend of hers R who I have met on several occasions (hens night, baby shower etc) is donating her excess embryos to her IVF clinic. R has had two children through IVF and have finished their family and are going to donate their five embryos. They are planning to do so anonymously through the IVF clinic, but B knowing our situation, rang me to let me know.

I have asked her to forward my details to R, just to talk about the possibility of donating straight to a couple rather than anonymously. As I said to B, if she is not interested, and they have chosen to donate anonymously because that is what they would prefer, then that is perfectly fine and I would never hold that against them. But perhaps they haven't though about the option of donating directly, and it would absolutely be something that we would love to do. It may also give them the option of having regular updates and contact with children that result from their embryos.

Without building this up too much in my head, because I know the probability is that we wont receive those embryos, this would be the perfect option for us. I have so much trouble going through the IVF process physically, I don't know if I will get to do another egg collection. Being able to go straight to transfer and missing all the drugs that mess me around as much as they do would be fabulous. It would also be great having a known donor, whether they choose to have contact or not, our children would have a much clearer picture of their identity, coming from knowing their genetic history.

We never pinned our hopes on embryo donation because it is quite rare in Australia and the waiting lists are years long, but I can't help but be a little excited about this!

Whether R takes up the offer to talk to us or not, it is still amazing to see options open up for us like this. It gives me hope that one day we really will be parents. I don't know how or when, but I feel that it is possible, which is the first step.

Posted!

Posted!

Application submitted!

We have finally submitted our adoption application! It has only taken 9 months to get our act together and get it done! We had completed most of the paperwork back in May but somewhere along the line we misplaced Murrays birth certificate and our marriage certificate which we needed certified copies of. So we put it to the side and got distracted with life. Now that we have put treatment to the side for a while to concentrate on our finances, we decided to refocus on getting our adoption stuff sorted.

So yesterday afternoon I searched high and low for the certificates with no luck. However Murray happened to open a file I hadn't looked at and found them straight away! We made a mad dash to get a money order for our police clearance, and a trip to the chemist to get copies of our documents certified, and it is all in the post as of this morning!

Unfortunately we will need to fork out $750 for the assessment of our application, but besides that fee, there is very little else we will need to pay even if and when we are placed with a child.

So here goes - a new stage, something old and new for me to focus my energies on.

Broke flat broke

This is a very difficult post to write for me. We are broke. We have been for a while, but we have a way of living beyond our means, and making it work. Our way of making it work was living on credit. But we have finally realised that have hit the wall and can't keep doing this.

When we first started trying for a baby back in 2006, we were perfectly set up. We had savings in the bank, no credit card debt, a mortgage that was under control. Slowly but steadily we used up our savings, refinanced our mortgage and acquired credit cards. A big chunk of that was for IVF, doctors visits, acupuncture and fertility related treatment, but we also have been on several holidays and live a comfortable life.

Now it has reached the point where we can no longer afford fertility treatment. It hurts to write that down. So we are taking a break. I don't know when we will be able to do it again - it might be six months, it might be a year, maybe even longer. I am hoping that come next March or April we will be in a position to begin IVF again. But for the moment I have to make peace with the fact that I will be left behind. Girlfriends who have that their first child during the time we have been trying, will conceive their second. My sister-in-law will fall pregnant and I will need to cope with the emotions that come with that. In the past I have been able to tell myself that our baby is not far away and that is somewhat comforting. But I can't hold onto that while we aren't doing treatment. Because our child is a long way away. It's not going to happen this year, and it may not happen next year.

We are still pursuing adoption. We had all but decided to let our application expire, but with a lot of prayer, we have decided to continue with the process. I have 95% of our forms complete, and just need a couple of certified documents before we submit them to the government department that looks after adoption. This isn't a quick fix though. While it is great to have something else to concentrate on and put our energies into, we aren't under any illusion that this will bring us our child.

In Western Australia, around 5-10 local babies are adopted each year. At any one time there are around 80 approved couples to adopt those babies, with the number of approved applicants increasing each year. The odds aren't in our favour. While we will continue to pray and hope, we also must also be realistic that adoption is not likely to be the way we complete our family.

I will still be blogging, but there may be longer breaks in between posts. Hopefully you don't get bored of me and stick around, because I have a feeling I am going to need as much support as I can get over this time.