99%

I'm struggling today. 99% of the time, I am happy, and my childlessness doesn't impact my mood or how I feel. I am grateful for what I have in my life, and that we are adopting.

Today I felt my empty womb screaming at me. I was sitting in church, surrounding by children and new babies, watching a little baby have their dedication. They read a verse from Psalms where it says that the fruit of the womb is a blessing and a reward.

I know I have been blessed. I have so much good in my life. But there is still a part of me that screams out - why am I not worthy of this particular blessing.

It was also the first time that I think I really acknowledged that I will not have a child from my body. There will be no heart beat that co-exists with mine. Although I have dealt with the theoretical side of things, of not having a biological child, I hadn't really brought that to a practical level. No giving birth. No child from my womb. I can deal with it if I KNEW that we would have a child through adoption. But relinquishing the hope of having a biological child for the HOPE of an adopted child, is so much to give up.

I'm okay with it. I've had a lot of time to grieve. But there are moments like today that grab me, and I imagine will always grab me and be a punch straight to the guts.

Waiting some more

On the 29th November our adoption profile went live. We are coming up to four months in approved applicant pool.

Surprisingly it hasn’t been too difficult just yet. I would go so far to say that it has been a blessing not to have been selected at this stage. I am weeks away from having worked for my employer for 12 months, which will entitle me to workplace maternity leave (28 weeks at half pay), on top of the federal governments maternity leave (18 weeks at minimum wage, which is around the equivalent of half pay). That will mean I can take at least 46 weeks off while still covering all of the bills and mortgage.

In the first month after putting our profile up, I went into crazy preparation mode. I put together the change table, cleared out the spare room, considered colours for the nursery walls, and became baby obsessed. That dissipated quickly as I realised that I wanted to take my time and enjoy this period of waiting. This isn’t a race. We will get the child that we are meant to have, and that doesn’t necessarily mean the first child that is up for placement. All in God’s timing. But that means learning to be patient and that has never been a strength of mine. This isn’t something that I can ‘achieve’; something I can plan, work hard at and then get as a prize at the end of it. I have to relinquish control. I am learning to do that more and more each day.

Murray and I are happy. Things are great in our lives, we have no complaint or quarrel. Having a child would bring so much more to our lives, but even as a family of two, we are good. For now.