Keeping it together

The last week has been incredibly difficult, and I am glad to have Murray back home. He had an amazing time on his mission trip to Thailand, but I struggled really badly without him around.

My depression isn't under control. I am slowly working my way through with the help of friends, family and some community services that focus on depression. I need to find a good psychologist to help me learn to cope with pain in a more constructive way.

Today I was having a good day at work, yet all of a sudden it was like a switch has been hit and I became anxious, my brain started whirring with thoughts of self-doubt and I wanted to collapse and get out of there as fast as I could. I didn't, I just closed my eyes at my desk until the worst of it passed and then forced myself to keep going, but I hate that I feel like that all the time.

We are off on a trip to Bali, Indonesia on Friday night, which we have had booked for a year, but to be honest all I want to do is spend the week in bed. I'm hoping that once we are over there, I will be feeling okay and able to just relax and de-stress.

The Crazies

 I'm in a bit of a bad way at the moment. Work got stressful, Murray went away on his trip, the side fence blew over so I had to keep the dogs locked up inside, my sciatica played up, and now 4 migraines in 3 days. 'The Crazies' returned to haunt me. 

Am doing okay now, although the last couple of days have been really low. I am staying with my Mum until Murray gets back from his trip, so I don't have to be alone, and the dogs are able to roam around freely.

I haven't told Murray any of this. He can't do anything to fix me over the phone, and I don't want to upset him, especially when I know he is having such an amazing experience in Thailand. I'm not going to ruin that for him. So I continue to pretend that everything is okay and divert attention to what he is doing over there.

I hate suffering from depression. I hate the way I think, how susceptible to pain I am, how ugly my thoughts are. I am incredibly grateful for friends who have my back and can play the 'mean friend' telling me to get myself right and listen to me cry my eyes out, and having a Mum who will come over and sleep on my couch and then come back the next night to drive me to her house when I'm sobbing on the couch.

I'm not sure where to from here. But I'm hoping it's up. 

Alone

 Murray left yesterday for a two week mission trip to Thailand. While it is peaceful being at home by myself, it is also really tough. January was such a difficult month, between all the illness and injuries, and feeling so unstable mentally. I am definitely on the upside from that thank goodness, but it's going to take me awhile to adjust to being the only one around, excluding of course my doggies. 

I have been thinking a lot about how to get my life back in order, and after speaking to a therapist to help sort myself out, I have chosen to not do any units this semester at uni. It's been a big focus of mine, espescially as I get closer to finishing my degree, but with so much happening in my life right now, something had to give, and between work, health, family and uni, well uni fell to the bottom of the priority list. So besides church, I will have no after hours or weekend commitments. I'm not too concerned about falling behind- I've been doing a summer unit by correspondence which thank goodness is nearly done, so I won't fall behind anyhow. Let's just hope I am able to get back into study mode come July!

I got a phone call from my brother who is deployed in Afghanistan on Wednesday. It was really exciting to hear from him. According to my weather app, it is snowing where he is, and he mentioned that he has a cold as do half of the troops, but than that he is doing well. He got his first care package from us- my Mum and I bought him a kindle so he can read books whenever he wants. I've since sent two more with magazines, Austaliana merchandise, playing cards, and lollies! Hope it reminds him that we are all thinking of him.

Work is a little nuts at the moment due to some internal changes. Its really interesting work and I have a greater scope in my work which is awesome, but I am also working longer hours trying to get the workload under control. Career-wise it is a great opportunity so I am going to continue to work hard at it.

On the fertility front, I spoke to my clinic to see where we were on the donor embryo front. She said they have one embryo available, but it is from a 45 year olds eggs, which she said would be little point for us to try with, and we agree. The coordinator did say that there are a few people who have done all of the counseling etc but just haven't returned the final forms, but unfortunately sometimes those people at the end either don't want to pursue it or just forget about it. I'll continue to call back each month, Hoping someone has decided to donate their embryos. 

So that's me. So much, yet so little to say.