Wednesday 1 July 2009
My little girl
We found out yesterday that our baby Vanilla was a little girl. My heart is crushed, my beautiful baby girl that I was meant to have, is gone. I didn't prepare myself for knowing, I didn't know that we would be told. But it was offered to us and I said yes, tell me. And now it hurts so much. My heart aches for my little girl. My perfect little girl had nothing wrong with her, no chromosonal problems, nothing at all. It was my uterus or something else about me that stopped her living. It's my fault. Something I did, or that my body did, stopped my baby from growing. The guilt is horrible.
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oh bec, my heart just aches for you. please don't blame yourself, you did everything that you could for your little vanilla.
ReplyDeletei'm sending you hugs and prayers.
Oh Bec, I am so so sorry. I know how hard it is to NOT blame ourselves, but we have to remember that this was not intentional. Our bodies are sick, and that is not anything we can control.
ReplyDeleteI wish I was there right now to hug you and just be your friend. I am so sorry. Your little vanilla knows she was loved never forget that!
Easier said than done, but take that blame spotlight off yourself, it happened, it happened for reasons that were out of your control....
ReplyDeleteI've blamed myself for every single one of my miscarriages and I tell you that guilt did me no favours. I'm a huge believer in fate and what will be will be and we have no control over where our path in life heads.
For whatever reason, Vanilla picked you to spend some very precious time with, it was a fraction of time but she still picked you to be her Mum....she will always be your daughter and she will now always be perfect in your eyes....
xxxx
Becca -- just want you to know how my heart breaks for you. Sometimes knowing is harder than not. In time you will let go, inch by inch of that guilt. For now...just be angry and cry.
ReplyDeletexoxo
It's NOT your fault Bec, please don't blame yourself!
ReplyDeleteThere is more than enough time for guilt when you do have a little person to look after. Don't bring it on yourself now when you don't deserve it.
ReplyDeleteTreasure your short time with little Vanilla, and don't sour it in your mind with guilt.
I am so sorry. (((HUGS))) I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. Try not to blame yourself. You did not knowingly do soemthing wrong. You did all you could.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry sweetie. But like everyone else said, it is NOT your fault. You did everything you could to help your baby along. You had NO control over the situation. If you did, things would be VERY different.
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
Hello Bec,
ReplyDeleteJust stumbled across your eloquent and amazing blog. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
I too share your pain and heartache... although I am much older than you (try just turned 44!!).
I met the love of my life and also got married November 05 and started trying 'officially' in about September 06 (had to wait til we got over flu and mumps and all sorts of things).
Got preg in 3 mths in Nov 06, but miscarriage at 6wks.
Nothing in 07, til chemical pregnancy in Oct 07.
Hit the IVF path in April 08.
First cycle, OHSS and hospitalised for 4 days. But they had transferred one blast. BFN.
FET in July 08. BFN.
IVF#2 Sept 08... 18 eggs, 10 mature, 2 blasts transferred... positive preg test! But miscarried at 8 wks (after seeing a heartbeat). So hard.
IVF#3 Feb 09. 2 blasts transferred. BFN.
IVF#4 April 09. 2 blasts transferred. BFN.
IVF#5 June 9. 2 blasts transferred. BFN.
And I have one frozen bean left over...
So I know your pain... except that Mother Nature is telling me I'm too old and to give up. Bitch! I want to wrestle her to the ground in a stronghold and tell her to back off!
I find it hard to pick myself up and go on, but what is the alternative? We're not there yet...
Try and find some hope to hold onto, and find the light in all the darkness... I know I'm trying to!
You are young and both time and medicine are on your side!
Like me, you also have lots of love in your life.
The empty feeling can't even be described, I know... but life doesn't throw anything at us that we can't handle.
Best of luck healing and moving forward... I hope in a year, we both can exchange beautiful baby stories.
Sending you hugs as you remember your little girl.
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry, sweetie.
ReplyDeletexo
{{hugs}}Be kind to yourself. I know that knowing one of the babies we lost was a girl helpful as well as even more profoundly sorrowful. We were also told that she was completely perfect in every way. I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. While the guilty feelings are normal, they are not justified - you are not to blame. life just sucks sometimes. Sending you thoughts of peace and comfort.
ReplyDeletesending you a big hug. learning that my first child that I lost was to have been my first born son was the hardest part of the loss. Treat yourself gently, you did nothing wrong. ((hugs))
ReplyDelete