The usual stuff

I have booked my Day 21 appointment for April 28 so we are starting IVF again in May. We thought about putting it off for another month, just to put me in a better frame of mind, but there were financial implications. Also, even though I know it would be good for me to wait, I just can't delay any opportunity for this to happen.

We went to a girlfriends wedding on the weekend which was the first time I've really been out of the house for a while. It was a beautiful wedding and they are a gorgeous couple, but I was really sad through a lot of it, even though I tried my best not to be. Even though I enjoyed myself, and I am honestly so happy for them, I had to go out half way through and cry outside for a bit.

I just remember feeling so happy and innocent about everything, about having children, about life in general. I wish I could go back to being that happy naive girl. The one who believed anything and everything was possible. Instead, every day I wake up and have this cloud over my head. Everytime I go into our spare bedroom, what should be our nursery and see all the baby things that we have collected, it just hurts.

I have recently found out that another girl in my office is trying for a baby. I should have known, she is recently married, and is at that age where things happen. I don't know if I could handle having another pregnant person in the office while going through this. I have already had two women fall pregnant and one return from maternity leave since we have been trying for a baby. I can't sit by and watch people looking at ultrasound pictures, and patting bellies and having to organise a baby shower.

I am still feeling really up and down. I think I just need to be sad for a bit. While I've been honest with writing down my thoughts in my blog, in real life I have kept up this facade of being happy and in control for so long. I need to break that down a bit and just be me. I'm just scared of people seeing what the real me is like, after being happy for so long.