My infertile wardrobe

Jen over at Maybe if you just relax made a post about the different sizes of clothes in her wardrobe and how they reflected on her life through infertility. Maybe it's because I am drunk (actually quite possibly because I am drunk), this has really resonated with me.

When I met my husband, I was a size 14 (US size 10 - god I wish I lived in the US!). I had just lost a bit of weight and was really happy with who I was.

By the time I got married, I was a size 18, (US 14) but was fine with my weight loss, because I was happy with myself. I was getting married to the most wonderfuly person in the world, and I didn't give a damn that I wasn't the perfect size 10. My husband loved me and thats all that mattered.

Then after two years of marriage, I hit a size 20 (size 16 US). It devastated me. We had been trying for a baby for a year, and I wasn't stressed about being bigger than other people because, god damn it, I was going to have a baby and it didn't matter how big you got when you were pregnant. Whenever I have done infertility treatment, I have put on at least 5 kilos, but once again I convinced myself it didn't matter, because I would be pregnant at the end of it. '

Of course that never happened, as you well know. Now I am back to a size 18, (US 14) and slowly working myself back down to my orginal size 14 size. I am trying to convince myself that there are other things in life other than having children and being infertile, but it is so difficult.

My fluctuating waist line is only one of a million things that reminds me of my infertility.

Very drunk....

My apologies for bad spelling and grammar - I am so drunk it's not funny!

I am feeling a lot better then I was a week ago, I was worried that I was slipping into depression into again, but I have picked up a fair bit since then so I think it was just a normal trough of emotions. I still feel sad a lot, but I'd imagine that is fairly normal considering the things that we are going through.

Tonight we have had more cocktails than I can count, and am sooooooo drunk, I imagine I am going to be sick tomorrow. My day 21 appointment (actually its day 25 but who is counting right...) is on Monday and then we start IVF again. I made a rule from the beginning that I wouldnt drink any alcohol during IVF cycles, nor do anything else that would negatively impact our chances of conceiving. So tonight, hopefully, is my last chance to get buck crazy and drink as much as I want, because I WILL be pregnant after our next cycle. I WILL. There is no other option.


lol - you have no idea how much I have deleted of this post - I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo drunk!!!!!!!!! :P

Pregnancy announcements

It's really hard for me to hear pregnancy announcements, but I've just realised how difficult it must be for the people around me as well. My next door neighbour came over today to tell me that she is three months pregnant. She has been a huge support to me, she has other friends who have been through IVF so she has shared their experiences and has always been there when I've needed a shoulder to cry on. Of all the people who I am friends with, she 'gets' me the best.

And now she is pregnant. She nearly cried when she told me because she was so worried about my reaction. My initial reaction was shock followed quickly by excitement. I am so genuinely happy for her, it's a really good thing to happen. She has a 14 month old son Xander who is just gorgeous, and I'm glad that they are going to have another one.

I can't help but have a tinge of sadness though. When we moved into our house, Megan was two months pregnant with Xander. Surely it's my turn sometime soon?

Our autumn getaway

I've been meaning to post for a couple of days but seem to get sidetracked everytime I sit down on the computer. We went away to Margaret River last weekend and had a lovely time, so I thought I would post some pictures from our time away.

It was short but oh so sweet to spend some one-on-one time with my husband. We spent Monday doing wine tastings in the region, and eating only the best food at the finest restaurants around town.

We were lucky enough to get an ultra cheap room through Murray's parents vacation club, and ended up with a king size bed and a spa in the ensuite - bliss!

And now some pics...

The view from our balcony

Murray with our wine

Another winery stop!

Boot straps

So I'm slowly pulling myself up by my bootstraps... whatever that means.
I have had some time to be sad and retreat into myself, and I am ready to try and get myself back to some sense of normalcy.

First step is to keep going to the gym and keep my happy endorphins pumping. I start boot camp on April 28 which will definitely help with that. I really don't want to end up on anti-depressants. I know they work wonders for a lot of people, but I really want to try everything in my power before I head down that path.

I also need to start being more proactive at work. I have the whole of next week off so that will give me a chance to have a good break from it, and then allow me to throw myself back into my job whole-heartedly. With all the management changes at work, I have allowed myself to be brought down and I'm not happy with that.

Another thing that I need to do is to make time for Murray and I. Through a lot of the stuff that has happened over the last year, I have tended to retreat into myself and we deal with things seperately. Even though I cope well like that, he doesn't so I need to take that into account when things don't go as planned.

We have booked a mini getaway for next week, we are spending Sunday & Monday nights down in Margaret River at Basildene Manor. We like to visit the south-west at least once a year, and we got lucky that there was still a room available at the last minute. It will be good to get away and spend a couple of nights just with each other.

So here goes, I am trying to change my attitude and my outlook on life - one day at a time.

I've been tagged!

The gorgeous Maria has tagged me to list six unimportant things about myself, so I'll give it a go...

(1) My nicknames include, Cabbage, Cab, Mofus McLofus, Evil Princess, Dorkus Malorkus, Mofy & obviously Bec! :-)

(2) I have a giant teddy bear named Ernie that is (I assume) male, but I have always dressed up in pretty pink dresses...

(3) I am one of the messiest people you will ever meet (you can't walk in my bedroom, you need to pole vault over my clothes on the floor), yet I am anal when it comes to stationery and filing

(4) I was the youngest ever member and then president of Rostrum Australia, a public speaking organisation (OK, I'm running out of things to say...)

(5) I have developed an addiction to watching old television series on DVD back-to-back. I can't handle waiting to watch episodes, so I would rather wait until they come out on dvd and watch them all in one go, ala West Wing, 24, Sex & the City.

(6)I eat at least three icypoles a day - I am addicted and can't cut them out of my diet!

Now tag, you're it- Gwen and Jen :-)

Feeling sorry for myself

I am a sooky-la-la.
All I want to do is cry. Sleep and cry. No food, no exercise, no work :(

I have the day off on Wednesday, and I'm looking forward to sleeping in and not having to deal with annoying people at work. I have the whole week off next week, and plan on doing absolutely nothing. Nothing, that is, besides getting a pap smear which I have put off for the past four years (I know, I'm very bad) and going to counselling session. I have made an appointment with somebody outside of the clinic, they aren't fertility-focused counsellors, but the lady has worked in sexual health and used to be a nurse which I think helps.

The appointment is next Tuesday, hopefully I can keep myself from falling to pieces before then. I'm at breaking point, and that's without anything major going wrong. I'm scared if something, anything happens, I'm not going to be able to deal with it and completely snap.

The usual stuff

I have booked my Day 21 appointment for April 28 so we are starting IVF again in May. We thought about putting it off for another month, just to put me in a better frame of mind, but there were financial implications. Also, even though I know it would be good for me to wait, I just can't delay any opportunity for this to happen.

We went to a girlfriends wedding on the weekend which was the first time I've really been out of the house for a while. It was a beautiful wedding and they are a gorgeous couple, but I was really sad through a lot of it, even though I tried my best not to be. Even though I enjoyed myself, and I am honestly so happy for them, I had to go out half way through and cry outside for a bit.

I just remember feeling so happy and innocent about everything, about having children, about life in general. I wish I could go back to being that happy naive girl. The one who believed anything and everything was possible. Instead, every day I wake up and have this cloud over my head. Everytime I go into our spare bedroom, what should be our nursery and see all the baby things that we have collected, it just hurts.

I have recently found out that another girl in my office is trying for a baby. I should have known, she is recently married, and is at that age where things happen. I don't know if I could handle having another pregnant person in the office while going through this. I have already had two women fall pregnant and one return from maternity leave since we have been trying for a baby. I can't sit by and watch people looking at ultrasound pictures, and patting bellies and having to organise a baby shower.

I am still feeling really up and down. I think I just need to be sad for a bit. While I've been honest with writing down my thoughts in my blog, in real life I have kept up this facade of being happy and in control for so long. I need to break that down a bit and just be me. I'm just scared of people seeing what the real me is like, after being happy for so long.

Decisions

My period arrived this morning which means I need to make a decision. Do we book in for my Day 21 appointment which means starting IVF in May, or give myself an extra month to recover? I want to go straight back into it and not waste any time, but I also need to get my head straight. Maybe I can do both...

I've decided to join my gym's 'BootCamp' 8 week program which starts in a few weeks time. I'm trying to focus on lots of exercise at the moment. When I went through a really bad patch last year, I turned to exercise and it helped me a lot. I'm hoping it does the same again this time. I really don't want to go on anti-depressants.

Depression

I have spent the last two hours crying in my bed, with my husband desperately trying to comfort me. My doctor thinks I'm depressed and wants me to go on anti-depressants. I can't work out whether I am depressed or just still dealing with the last cycle. Either way I am a wreck and I can't keep going like this. I had today off work as a sick day, and my doctor has given me a medical certificate covering tomorrow off as well, for if I don't feel up to going in. I don't feel up to it, but I also don't want to let my work and my boss down. My life is turning to mush at the moment, everything that I used to get joy out of, is barely a blip on the radar now. I think I need to go and cry some more.