Depression

The last few weeks have been tough. My depression reached a new low this week, and my fears were realised that I was indeed in the grips of a depressive episode. Crying for no reason, this persistent sad mood that no matter what I did, I couldn't shake. Unhelpful thoughts running through my head and always feeling on edge like my world was ending.

My workplace has been incredibly accommodating and caring for me. Whatever I need, they provide which has been a God-send. One of my biggest fears was that I was letting people down and that everyone would see me fail at work, and I realise now that is just my head talking and not reality.

I started seeing a psychologist this week who gave me some breathing exercises to do which have definitely help to ease my anxiety and given me some confidence in dealing with the panic attack side of things. The depression is going to take longer though, and is not something that just disappears. One thing she said to me, after going through all my background and history, is that I am resilient. I have been through a hell of a lot, and yet I have always bounced back, and there is no reason why this wont be the same.

Murray has been a huge support for me. He knows exactly what to say, and how important it is for him to just be near me and pull me close when I get down. I am so grateful that he is my partner for all of this. I appreciate him more and more each day.

I have also stayed in prayer throughout these past weeks, and I have felt that help me a lot. Knowing that I have God looking after me through all of this, I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My non-Christian friends don't really get it, after all if there is a God, why do I have depression? But I get it. Everyone has their struggles, their burdens to carry. This is part of mine. That doesn't shake my faith though. I think it actually strengthens it as I have to rely so fully on him just to get through each day.

Life

The last week was pretty tough. My anxiety was always present, and Murray was on a school camp to Canberra which meant that I was at home having to deal with all of it by myself. I was scared that I was going to regress and end up in bed curled up, unable to function. Luckily I have some amazing friends who helped me get through the week with regular catch ups and lunches, and work was really good about rearranging my holidays so that I only had to work short weeks so I wasn't stressed at work.

Murray got back on Friday night and I was nearly running through the airport to see him. He'd only been gone for a week but it felt like forever. My Mum said to me that it was nice to see how much I missed him. I'm always the strong one in the relationship, and she liked that I was vulnerable and showed how much I needed him as much as he needs me. I guess when you look at it like that, it shows that we are a real partnership.

Onwards we go. I have three days off work this week while Murray is on school holidays and then back into the daily grind. We are counting down the days to our holiday. I can't wait to have some extended time out and just enjoy some time with the two of us.

Photo update

 

My graduation was last Monday and it was fabulous. Murray, my Mum and sister-in-law all came along to help celebrate.

Graduation selfie with my only other graduating friend Michelle

 



We went to a wedding on Saturday which was really lovely. This is my sister-in-law and I enjoying the sunshine after the ceremony.

 

 

And my evening dress for the reception! I've never worn anything so revealing as this before but I loved it!



Wedding selfie



And a proper photo of Murray and I together #love

 

Looking forward

This is what I am looking forward to right now. We can't wait for our holiday, and are trying to focus all our attention on that to try and forget about our recent disappointment. Part of us still hopes that the adoption could come through and we wont be able to go on our trip. As much as I would love to go to Europe, I would drop everything at a moments notice if the adoption came through.

Who knows what we will be doing in three months time. If it is changing nappies - then I will be happy. If it is a white christmas in Strasbourg and Paris - I will be enjoying it very much!

Coping with the disappointment

It's been a rough couple of days. I thought I was coping reasonably well with the disappointment of this cycles failure but once the period pain started, I actually started vomiting as either a pain or stress response and had to go home from work. Then the pain sent me into a mental tailspin and I had an anxiety attack- something I haven't experienced for a long time.

This was one of my fears about coming off my antidepressants - that I wouldn't cope well and I wouldn't have that safety net. Today I had another anxiety attack at work, but was able to go down to the sick bay and lock myself in for 20 minutes to deal with the worst of it and nobody saw me. I'm feeling much better this afternoon, but it is something that I'm going to have to watch out for. Thanks to a lovely doctor, I have some Valium tablets to help me sleep if I get too worked up but I've only ever used that as a last resort.

Murray and I had a good talk this afternoon and have decided not to go ahead with the other donated embryo at this point. My mental health is more important right now, and even though I have only had two mild episodes, I had forgotten how awful they can make you feel. We are going to hold out until the public IVF program is up and running again and make sure that we are ready then to deal with the emotional side of things.

Bust

As expected, the blood test showed up negative. My doctor is happy for me to go ahead with another transfer of the other donated embryo but we are going to leave it for now. With only one 2 cell embryo left, I don't like our chances of a successful thaw, so it's better that we leave it as a back up if future treatment fails.

For now we are regrouping and going back to waiting for either the adoption to come through or for the public IVF to become available. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy planning for our holiday in December, and try and lose the extra couple of kilos I've put on over the last four months.

We will be okay. It's sad but I'm not going to self-destruct.

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Day 32 - facing the music

Negative again. We are both really upset, but trying to find comfort in each other.
Official blood test on Wednesday but not expecting any miracles.
Luckily I had pre-booked today off work as annual leave so spent the day in my PJ's moping around the house. Not sure what our next step is, maybe use our last donated embryo, or just wait until after we get back from Europe. I don't really want to think about it right now.

Day 30 - Negative at 8dp2dt

It's hard to know how to feel. I took pregnancy tests each of the last three mornings and they have all been negative. I know it is early to test, and that there is the possibility of it being a 'false negative', but it has definitely taken the wind out of my sails. I felt so positive that this cycle had worked, and now I feel deflated, like there is no hope at all.

I've been going to my acupuncture sessions every two days which has been helpful to keep the stress levels down but it hasn't stopped me from having a couple of tearful moments where I realise the odds are so low for us. I have been bone tired the last few days and I really thought that might have been a symptom but I guess that was all in my head.

I'll do it all again tomorrow no doubt.

Day 26 - 4dp2dt

It's hard to know what to feel right now. I keep waiting for a sign, something that will tell me 'yes' this is happening, or no it's not going to work. I know there is nothing I can do but wait and pray, and that's what I am doing.

No symptoms, absolutely nothing. I'm planning to test on the weekend at some point, probably on Sunday when I will be 11 days past ovulation. It still won't be perfect, but it will give me some idea at least. I have next Monday off work which will be nice to give myself time to deal with the disappointment of negative if that's what the result is.

On September 8th, it is my graduation ceremony. It took many years of working full time and studying part time but I finally completed my business degree and the graduation ceremony is the final celebration. My Mum, Murray and his sister are coming along to see me get my certificate. At least if everything turns pear shaped, I have something to look forward to.

Trying to stay positive...

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Day 18 - The Human Incubator

We now have one beautiful little embryo on board! Transfer was at 7.45 this morning, and I had my lovely friend Bec with me who managed to take a few photos.



All dressed in my gown, getting ready for the procedure

It was all very stress-free with virtually no pain or discomfort during the procedure which was nice. We got to see the embryo on the screen, and next thing you know the embryologist is saying 'all clear' and it's over and done with. The procedure at our clinic is to then lie down for half an hour in recovery which was nice considering how early we had to leave to get to the clinic on time.

My blood test is on Wednesday September 3rd which seems just so far away right now. I will probably test before hand, but I'll just see how it goes and how I am feeling. In the meantime we have named our little emby 'Olaf'. If you don't have kids yourself, you might not catch the reference, but it is the snowmans name in Frozen!

Introducing Olaf!



Our little 2 cell embryo 'Olaf'

As we were walking out of the clinic, I saw a very interesting sign on the wall about a low cost IVF option that the clinic has just started. From the brochure the receptionist gave me, the natural IVF is without medication, while the 'standard' IVF is for day 2-3 transfer, using Synarel suppression, gonal-f and no ICSI. It probably isn't suitable for us but should this cycle be unsuccessful, I'll definitely bring it up with my specialist and see what he thinks. It is definitely a huge saving compared to the normal prices! It's awesome to see that clinics are making an effort in this area.



Sign up in the hallway

Day 17 - Ready and Waiting

Our little embryo has been defrosted and it thawed out perfectly according to the embryologist! I start my progesterone pessaries tonight, and transfer is all booked for the morning. I have to be at the clinic at 7am, and my doctor will do the transfer at 7.45am. Unfortunately Murray has an early morning at work, so my best friend (another Bec!) will be coming along with me. I'm glad I'm not doing it myself, although I have done in the past if I have had to. It's nice to be able to talk to someone and settle my nerves.

One of our traditions is to name our embryos at transfer, so I need to start working on names. We have had Snug & Buggles, Honey, Vanilla and Frosty. Usually they 'sticky' or cold names - I'd love all of your ideas please!

I had another acupuncture session this afternoon, and afterwards I decided to walk back to the train station through Northbridge. On the walk, I spotted the most adorable baby display in the window of Beau Est Mien - they have little crocheted stuffed toys and the cutest organic baby clothes. This will definitely be my first stop if get pregnant this cycle!

Day 14 - #unsoliciteduterusupdate

My body has decided to cooperate and ovulate on its own! My LH has surged to 16 which indicates ovulation. My estrogen is 1839 which is a big jump from yesterday, and my progesterone is 2.6. I need to go in tomorrow for another blood test to confirm that I have indeed ovulated, but all is looking good.

I had two moments today where it felt like God was telling me 'it's time'. When I was driving home in the rain, it eased off for a few minutes and not only did one full rainbow appear, it turned into a double rainbow! I feel strongly that rainbows are a sign of God's promises to us, so that left me feeling really optimistic.

The second moment happened at dinner. I made some delicious chicken and rocket sausages in the thermomix and we ate dinner on our bench next to the kitchen, rather than our usual spot in the lounge room. As I opened my eyes after saying Grace, I had this image flash in front of me, almost like a vision, of a high chair sitting at the end of the bench and a child sitting in it eating their dinner with us.

I continue to pray and hope.

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