Depression

The last few weeks have been tough. My depression reached a new low this week, and my fears were realised that I was indeed in the grips of a depressive episode. Crying for no reason, this persistent sad mood that no matter what I did, I couldn't shake. Unhelpful thoughts running through my head and always feeling on edge like my world was ending.

My workplace has been incredibly accommodating and caring for me. Whatever I need, they provide which has been a God-send. One of my biggest fears was that I was letting people down and that everyone would see me fail at work, and I realise now that is just my head talking and not reality.

I started seeing a psychologist this week who gave me some breathing exercises to do which have definitely help to ease my anxiety and given me some confidence in dealing with the panic attack side of things. The depression is going to take longer though, and is not something that just disappears. One thing she said to me, after going through all my background and history, is that I am resilient. I have been through a hell of a lot, and yet I have always bounced back, and there is no reason why this wont be the same.

Murray has been a huge support for me. He knows exactly what to say, and how important it is for him to just be near me and pull me close when I get down. I am so grateful that he is my partner for all of this. I appreciate him more and more each day.

I have also stayed in prayer throughout these past weeks, and I have felt that help me a lot. Knowing that I have God looking after me through all of this, I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My non-Christian friends don't really get it, after all if there is a God, why do I have depression? But I get it. Everyone has their struggles, their burdens to carry. This is part of mine. That doesn't shake my faith though. I think it actually strengthens it as I have to rely so fully on him just to get through each day.

Life

The last week was pretty tough. My anxiety was always present, and Murray was on a school camp to Canberra which meant that I was at home having to deal with all of it by myself. I was scared that I was going to regress and end up in bed curled up, unable to function. Luckily I have some amazing friends who helped me get through the week with regular catch ups and lunches, and work was really good about rearranging my holidays so that I only had to work short weeks so I wasn't stressed at work.

Murray got back on Friday night and I was nearly running through the airport to see him. He'd only been gone for a week but it felt like forever. My Mum said to me that it was nice to see how much I missed him. I'm always the strong one in the relationship, and she liked that I was vulnerable and showed how much I needed him as much as he needs me. I guess when you look at it like that, it shows that we are a real partnership.

Onwards we go. I have three days off work this week while Murray is on school holidays and then back into the daily grind. We are counting down the days to our holiday. I can't wait to have some extended time out and just enjoy some time with the two of us.