Day 30 - Negative at 8dp2dt

It's hard to know how to feel. I took pregnancy tests each of the last three mornings and they have all been negative. I know it is early to test, and that there is the possibility of it being a 'false negative', but it has definitely taken the wind out of my sails. I felt so positive that this cycle had worked, and now I feel deflated, like there is no hope at all.

I've been going to my acupuncture sessions every two days which has been helpful to keep the stress levels down but it hasn't stopped me from having a couple of tearful moments where I realise the odds are so low for us. I have been bone tired the last few days and I really thought that might have been a symptom but I guess that was all in my head.

I'll do it all again tomorrow no doubt.

Day 26 - 4dp2dt

It's hard to know what to feel right now. I keep waiting for a sign, something that will tell me 'yes' this is happening, or no it's not going to work. I know there is nothing I can do but wait and pray, and that's what I am doing.

No symptoms, absolutely nothing. I'm planning to test on the weekend at some point, probably on Sunday when I will be 11 days past ovulation. It still won't be perfect, but it will give me some idea at least. I have next Monday off work which will be nice to give myself time to deal with the disappointment of negative if that's what the result is.

On September 8th, it is my graduation ceremony. It took many years of working full time and studying part time but I finally completed my business degree and the graduation ceremony is the final celebration. My Mum, Murray and his sister are coming along to see me get my certificate. At least if everything turns pear shaped, I have something to look forward to.

Trying to stay positive...

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Day 18 - The Human Incubator

We now have one beautiful little embryo on board! Transfer was at 7.45 this morning, and I had my lovely friend Bec with me who managed to take a few photos.



All dressed in my gown, getting ready for the procedure

It was all very stress-free with virtually no pain or discomfort during the procedure which was nice. We got to see the embryo on the screen, and next thing you know the embryologist is saying 'all clear' and it's over and done with. The procedure at our clinic is to then lie down for half an hour in recovery which was nice considering how early we had to leave to get to the clinic on time.

My blood test is on Wednesday September 3rd which seems just so far away right now. I will probably test before hand, but I'll just see how it goes and how I am feeling. In the meantime we have named our little emby 'Olaf'. If you don't have kids yourself, you might not catch the reference, but it is the snowmans name in Frozen!

Introducing Olaf!



Our little 2 cell embryo 'Olaf'

As we were walking out of the clinic, I saw a very interesting sign on the wall about a low cost IVF option that the clinic has just started. From the brochure the receptionist gave me, the natural IVF is without medication, while the 'standard' IVF is for day 2-3 transfer, using Synarel suppression, gonal-f and no ICSI. It probably isn't suitable for us but should this cycle be unsuccessful, I'll definitely bring it up with my specialist and see what he thinks. It is definitely a huge saving compared to the normal prices! It's awesome to see that clinics are making an effort in this area.



Sign up in the hallway

Day 17 - Ready and Waiting

Our little embryo has been defrosted and it thawed out perfectly according to the embryologist! I start my progesterone pessaries tonight, and transfer is all booked for the morning. I have to be at the clinic at 7am, and my doctor will do the transfer at 7.45am. Unfortunately Murray has an early morning at work, so my best friend (another Bec!) will be coming along with me. I'm glad I'm not doing it myself, although I have done in the past if I have had to. It's nice to be able to talk to someone and settle my nerves.

One of our traditions is to name our embryos at transfer, so I need to start working on names. We have had Snug & Buggles, Honey, Vanilla and Frosty. Usually they 'sticky' or cold names - I'd love all of your ideas please!

I had another acupuncture session this afternoon, and afterwards I decided to walk back to the train station through Northbridge. On the walk, I spotted the most adorable baby display in the window of Beau Est Mien - they have little crocheted stuffed toys and the cutest organic baby clothes. This will definitely be my first stop if get pregnant this cycle!

Day 14 - #unsoliciteduterusupdate

My body has decided to cooperate and ovulate on its own! My LH has surged to 16 which indicates ovulation. My estrogen is 1839 which is a big jump from yesterday, and my progesterone is 2.6. I need to go in tomorrow for another blood test to confirm that I have indeed ovulated, but all is looking good.

I had two moments today where it felt like God was telling me 'it's time'. When I was driving home in the rain, it eased off for a few minutes and not only did one full rainbow appear, it turned into a double rainbow! I feel strongly that rainbows are a sign of God's promises to us, so that left me feeling really optimistic.

The second moment happened at dinner. I made some delicious chicken and rocket sausages in the thermomix and we ate dinner on our bench next to the kitchen, rather than our usual spot in the lounge room. As I opened my eyes after saying Grace, I had this image flash in front of me, almost like a vision, of a high chair sitting at the end of the bench and a child sitting in it eating their dinner with us.

I continue to pray and hope.

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Day 13 - more blood tests

Five days in a row of blood tests and my poor veins are not coping well. My left arm has only very shallow veins that are really easy to collapse, and my right arm has only two veins that the phlebotomist has had success with getting blood from. I've had a few issues this cycle where the person has tried one of the non-preferred veins and I've gotten quite faint and in pain as a result of the slow bleeding and having to move the needle around in my arm. Fingers crossed I don't have too many more to go.

Today's estrogen level is 1389, progesterone is 2, and LH is 9, so it doesn't look like I will ovulate on my own. The clinic has asked for me to do another blood test in the morning (ouch), plus an ultrasound, and pick up a trigger injection which I will use to induce ovulation if my LH levels haven't surged by tomorrow morning.

This weekend has been really lovely. Hubby and I went for a lovely breakfast in Subiaco after my appointment at the clinic yesterday, and while I had my acupuncture appointment in the afternoon, he went and had a face shave and beard trim at the barber. On a whim I called up some friends of us who happened to be in the next suburb over, so we went to Mount Lawley and had a drink and some snacks to catch up. The weather in Perth seems to have lost its winter edge, if only for a brief respite from the cold weather we've been having, so it was nice to get out a bit.

I appear to have convinced my subconscious that this cycle is going to work. My brain is thinking about baby names, nursery furniture and maternity hospital choice. Even when I deliberately try and think about other things, it all comes back to being successful. My worst fear is being unsuccessful and plunging into a deep dark hole.

Day 12 - Acupuncture

Somehow blogger managed to cut off the second half of my post yesterday.

I am doing an acupuncture session this afternoon. I had my first appointment with 'Catching Young' in North Perth on Wednesday afternoon, and I was so relaxed that my legs turned to jelly afterwards! I've done acupuncture in the past, mainly for migraines and relaxation, but research seems to show good success with IVF so I'm giving it a go.

We are on our way to the clinic now for my scan and blood test, and then I think we might go out for breakfast somewhere in the city. Usually on Saturday mornings I go for a run or take the dogs out for a walk, but that might be shelved for this week as I am still recovering from my cold, and now am all dressed nicely for the day.

Day 11 - blood tests and running around

Another day, another blood test. Estrogen has risen to 1040 from yesterday's 870, LH is 8, yesterday it was 7, and progesterone has dropped from 1.8 to 1.6. Have to go in for a blood test and ultrasound in the morning.

I bought the cutest dog cushion/toy on my lunch break today - I love it!

Day 9 - Blood test results

I had my first blood test this morning and I just got the call from the clinic with my results. My estrogen is at 708, LH is at 9 and Progesterone is 3.9. I have to go in tomorrow morning for another blood test - fun! At least the numbers look promising - I might even ovulate by myself and not have to do a trigger injection!

Day 9 - IVF and a public program update

We have been following up with our local minister about the public IVF clinic, and our local member has followed up for us with the Minister for Health. We previously had written directly to the Minister but basically got the brush off that it was being reviewed, and we weren't given a timeframe for how long that would be. The letter we received back today indicates that it will be 'finalised' within three months. Whether finalised means actually commencing in three months or not is a whole other story.

I am back on the IVF wagon. I still pray every night that we get the adoption phone call, but now that I have started the process again, I realise I have opened a box that two years ago I closed up and put on the shelf. Now that it is open, I spend my train trip contemplating nursery paint colours, and as a drift off to sleep I think about different obstetricians and the pro's and con's of public and private hospitals. I consider how pregnant I would be at certain points of our holiday at Christmas, and whether a particular location would suit me better if I was with child. It's an obsession, one that I managed to come to terms with while we knew it wasn't happening. But now, it's different. The box is open. We are doing this embryo transfer, and now the public IVF program is going to be re-opened. If this cycle doesn't work, then we will be pursuing full IVF. It scares the hell out of me, but I am going to do it. I need to – I am stubborn and refuse to let this defeat us.

Day 5 - Still unwell

This cold/flu bug that I've caught hasn't let up. I'm up to my eyeballs in snot and tissues, constantly going to the bathroom to empty my bladder from all the water that I've been drinking, and coughing up my lungs while simultaneously overdosing on throat spray and lozenges.

I haven't been at work since Wednesday which is frustrating, not just because I'm busy at the moment and don't want to put more pressure on myself, but because from next week, I'll possibly be needing to take time off to attend appointments at he clinic. It's not an issue for me to go to get blood tests and the like done, but it does eat into my time, I don't want to appear unreliable or like I am never there. I have decided to not tell too many people about this cycle, so only two people at work know about this treatment cycle, and I haven't told my boss. My Mum and two best friends know about this cycle, plus two work friends, and Murray has told one workmates but that's it. For us, who are usually very open with our treatment, it is quite unusual.

I guess we didn't want to place too much pressure on ourselves - having everyone ask how it is going, or if we will try again. Also explaining why we are doing IVF - have we given up on adoption? So many questions, and I don't want to go crazy over this cycle. I am no longer on anti-depressants for the first time in seven years and I don't want to set myself up for failure, and go back down that rabbit hole.

Fingers crossed I start feeling better soon. I don't want to be ill when the embryo transfer happens - I need my body at its best!

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Day 3 - Man flu

I've been hit by the man flu. You know, the flu where you whinge and complain and sigh every five minutes, even when you know there is nothing that can be done? Yep, I got it.

My only consolation is that I have it now and not later on closer to the transfer. I cannot afford to let anything mess me up before the transfer. Speaking if which, I really should arrange for that acupuncture as well. Maybe when I feel better.

Day 1 - it begins

Today is Day 1 of my cycle. We are starting our frozen donor embryo cycle. Consents are all signed and with the clinic. I'm booked for my first blood test next Wednesday and I start taking Clomid tomorrow morning.

I'm scared, absolutely petrified of more failure. Yet I smile when this catalogue landed in my mailbox this afternoon. Hope is inescapable.