Out of office

So I'm currently on the other side of the country, visiting two of my fsvouritest people for an extended long weekend. It's my little brothers march out celebrating his return from Afghanistan at the Enogerra barracks tomorrow morning. My Mum and her partner are here for it as well, and I am writing this post from an Irish Pub in the city centre as we get a little sloshed to celebrate my brothers awesomeness (oh and also it's my birthday tomorrow-yay me!). After all that is done and dusted, I am going to hang with my girl Sass- I can not wait!

Anyway, enough being antisocial and blogging from the pub. Back to life.

Walking into the sunlight, eyes open

I see little things everywhere and my heart is glad. The beautiful full moon a couple of nights back, being able to go fine wine shopping for Murray's birthday, putting on high heels, cuddling Charlie in bed in the morning. They may not make sense but each is a tiny piece of this puzzle of my life, and is helping me be the person I want to be.

I struggle with depression, and have done since I was a teenager. My first experience of depression was as a fifteen year old, after a boy I had a crush on and I had a physical encounter. No not sex, but touchy feely and kissing, but rumors went around school about how easy I was, and it got to the point where I went from being a solid A student, to not handing assignments in, going to bed straight after school, and just feeling like the world was out to get me. My Mumrecognised the signs at the time and forced me to get up and out of bed, and somehow it all just worked out okay. At the time I didn't know what those feelings were about.

The next bought of depression is chronicled in this blog. Probably around May 2007, when we realized that the baby thing wasn't happening, when we would have to do IVF etc. you know the story from there. It's tough to live with a monster that can rear its head at anytime. I'm grateful that I have medication that can help me live some sort of a normal life, but I do struggle with it almost every day.

I tend to "self-talk" a lot. A thought will flick into my head and I basically have a conversation with myself, usually debating some type of feeling that I'm experiencing, or what our next steps are going to be. Often is pain related- I feel sick, I don't feel well, I need to sleep, I can't do this. Usually it happens when I'm driving by myself, and I've started to try and build distractions into my drive to help avoid the pain-depression spiral I get myself in. Listening to music, imagining what I'd do if I won lotto, planning how I'm going to renovate meh kitchen all offer me refuge from the ills that sneak into my head and try and sink me lower and lower.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I guess it's trying to make people understand me better. Pain or the threat of pain stops me from doing a lot of things. A good friend had gastric banding surgery done which has been a great success for her, but I won't consider, only because I know the pain and vomiting would send me into a deep depression. Everything is just so much effort with depression.

Anyway, that's enough delving into my psyche for the moment. I really am doing okay, and just taking things one day at a time. Cliche but true.

Coping through the disappointment

I've received a lot of support over the last week and firstly I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has called, messages and sent emails. I'm actually doing pretty well, all things considering. I think the overwhelming feeling is disappointment for the lost opportunity. To be so close and then lose it, it's hard to swallow some times. And now we are back to square one. No embryos, either ours or donated. Money in short supply. Our dreams are so far away once again.

Six years has taken its toll, but it has also I think prepared me to be s good mother. I have been so lucky to be involved in my friends and family's kids lives. I change nappies, help with baths and bedtime, and get to go to weekend footy matches and swimming lessons. We've been really blessed to have those opportunities. But no matter how involved we are, we are never that child's number one person, the person they seek out when they have a nightmare, or snuggle into between Mum and Dad on the couch.

We are booked to go to a fostering information session next Wednesday to learn about the Western Australian foster system, and a new program called 'Home for life' which is essentially a permanent care situation. I don't know about eligibility or what's involved so this is just a change to 'dip our feet' so to speak, and see if it something that we want to pursue. At least it is something to pursue, something to have hope for.

So we aren't giving up. Not yet. It's too much to contemplate.