Apologies

My sincere apologies. I didn't mean to get so inebriated. But I am. Our friend announced that they are pregnant with their second baby. Their first little girl was born the same week that our little girl was meant to be. I am really in struggle town. But there isn't much I can do. I can only put it before God. I know not all of you believe, but I do. I know that God can change this for us. But it has to be his will. I pray that it is his will.  Because I don't know what is going to happen to me if it is not his will.

dull the paun

Today started  like any other day. It is my best friends sisters birthday today and I was looking forwsrd to the day [ lots of cake, lots of fun. Then we got a call from a friend. His wife is pregnant. It's amazing the difference one phone calll can make. I a  know drunk. It is the only way cn dull the pain right now....... I don't know how i have even typed a coherent message as i hiccup y way through the day.\\\


I want a baby.  I cant say it any better than that.   I thought I was okay, but clearly I am not. Oh dear.

Cluck cluck

I fear that my cluckiness has returned. With a friends four month old that I see practically every day, the dozens of newborns at Church each Sunday, and preparing my sister-in-laws baby shower, I seem to be confronted with babies everywhere. And I am yearning, physically desiring a baby of my own. As Yoda might say, the reproductive urge is strong in this one!

It's not just me though. Murray is fawning over our friends little girl. He picks her up now with no reticence, swings her from side to side, and is even confident enough to hold her when she cries which he never used to do. He came home the other day and said how, although he has always wanted a little boy, he would be even happier for us to have a little girl. How he can't wait for my belly to be full with our baby.

Murray's 'other woman'

I tease myself by looking at prams as they pass by, able to tell the make and model like men do with expensive cars.

We lie in each others arms at night, comforting ourselves with our dog-children and each other. And we are eternally grateful that we have each other. We are grateful to live in the 'lucky country', lucky to be healthy, lucky to have our families, so every lucky in many respects. Yet we are still not whole.

Our final donor counselling session is three weeks away, after which we can start IVF. Each day takes us a step closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Letters to my child

Back in 2008 when we were doing IVF, I started writing a series of letters to our future child. At the time it was a way of keeping hope alive. I came across them today while doing a clean up of our online files. While intensely personal, I wanted to share them. They do make me hopeful, and keep me looking forward to the day when we meet our child, however that may happen.

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Sunday 2^nd March 2008

To my child,

You are yet to be conceived, just a twinkle in your Mummy and Daddy’s eye, but I feel a deep connection to you already. I don’t know how far away you are, hopefully right around the corner, but yet I know you could still be months or years away.

I wanted to tell you how much I am looking forward to meeting you and being a part of your life. I also wanted you to know how much you are, and always will be, wanted.

This month we start our third cycle of fertility treatment. Lots of blood tests, injections, and invasive procedures are ahead of us, in our quest to have you. I am not telling you this to guilt you in any way. I just want you to understand exactly how much we wanted you to join our little family.

I hope that one day you will be able to read these letters and they can help you understand our decision making processes. I don’t know if any of this even makes any sense, or if I am just a silly nutter. But I love you already, before you are even conceived, I love you and that will never change.

All my love,

Mummy

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Tuesday 22^nd April 2008

To my child,

Unfortunately our last IVF cycle didn’t work, so we are still a little while away from meeting you. 

I have been dreaming lately about what you will look like. Will you have a cute little smile and chubby face like your Daddy? Or bright blue eyes like your grandad?

I have your nursery all planned out for when you arrive. We have already bought a cot and change table for you in anticipation of your arrival. The nursery has been painted a pale lime green, with a pretty blue accent. And if you are a little girl, I will add a touch of pink so you can be a princess, if you are a little boy, then I’m going to add an elephant mural to the far wall!

I want to buy lots of books for you, so that we can sit down and spend time reading together. Reading can be lots of fun and I want you to enjoy reading as much as I do.

Well, I should go and help your Daddy make dinner.

All my love,

Mummy

 

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Friday 13^th June 2008

To my little son or daughter,

Another IVF cycle has passed with no success, I guess you didn’t want February to be your birth month – are you going to be more of a winter baby instead? I don’t mind, whatever month you choose is fine by me, as long as it is soon.

Mummy and Daddy love you very much and can’t wait for you to be part of our lives. I wonder what you are going to grow up to be. Perhaps you could be a doctor or a nurse and help save peoples lives and make people better when they are sick. Or a tradie, fixing peoples plumbing or electrical wires. You could work in an office like your Mum or be a teacher like your Dad. You might go to university or TAFE or you may find the perfect job straight away, or join the army like your Uncle Daniel did.

You’ll like Uncle Daniel – he is very tough, he will be able to show you how to make things, drill holes into walls, teach you how to skateboard.

Mummy and Daddy are off to have lunch now, but we think about you every day and what our life is going to be like. I hope we are good parents to you.

All our love,

Mummy