A bit better

Things went a bit better at work today. My boss took me aside for half an hour to talk to me about our meeting yesterday. She said that she knew I was disappointed and upset and that she came off harsh in the meeting. She tried to butter me up a bit about what a fantastic job I'm doing and how important I am to the branch etc etc. In other words she is sh*t scared of me walking out and not having anyone to do my job - surprise, surprise. I did appreciate it though, I was ready to call in sick this morning, I was so upset over everything.

We are still looking at the possibility of moving overseas in 2009 though. I would love to move to the US but the economy doesn't look too strong there at the moment with lots of people losing their jobs - not the best time to be looking for work. Dubai is good for jobs but it is a big culture shock. Gwen suggested Singapore which would be wonderful but Oh. My. Goodness - how expensive is rent there! The other thing about moving overseas that we need to consider is that while I am only 22 and young enough to start over when I get back to Australia, Murray turns 30 next year and it may not be so easy for him to do that. Luckily teaching isn't that competitive and it shouldn't be too big an issue, but still something to consider I guess.

On the IVF front, I'm still taking Progynova and hanging out until next Monday for my first lot of bloods and scan to see how I'm going. I'm happy enough at this point that we are doing a single embryo transfer, but if there are any issues with thawing the embryos, I reserve the right to change my mind!

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!!!!

And I was right…

I was called into my bosses office today and told that they would feel 'uncomfortable' if I started uni because my project is too big, and I already get migraines and am doing IVF and that is too much pressure and cant support me doing uni this semester.

It was also reinforced that although my boss 'knows that I do the hours', the perception is that I come in late to the office all the time and don’t work back enough etc. I am *this* close to standing up at our next team meeting and telling the world that "I am doing IVF, thank you for your concern but I am well and truly meeting my hours at work". I know a few people would be shocked - not by the IVF but that it is a confrontational thing to do and I am not a confrontational person, but I am at the point where I have really had enough. Not with the work that I do - that doesn't stress me out. What stresses me is the lack of understanding and real leadership in the branch. My boss thinks she knows everyone better than they know themselves and the truth is she doesn't!

I also got told that I am too 'up and down' in the office. She admitted that I have never 'bitten anyones head off like other people in the branch', but somedays Im really smiley and others Im not. Great. So not only do I not work hard enough, I'm not perky enough. Shoot me now.

Murray and I are considering moving to Dubai in January. Has anyone been to Dubai before or lived and worked overseas? We have been thinking about Dubai in particular because number 1 - tax free dollars! But also there is a heavy focus on education which will make it easier for Murray to get a teaching job. But there is so much research that I need to do! Like can I get a job there? What IVF clinics do they have and how much do they cost? What hospital facilities do they have? Are there lots of other ex-pats living there? Can you travel around easily? So many questions!

Getting the creative juices flowing

So I totally suck at the whole keeping a secret from people. I had a group of girlfriends over for my birthday on Saturday night and everyone kept asking when we would be trying again so I told them. Yes I caved - so much for my grand plan of having a surprise!

I can't believe it is Sunday night again and I am back to work tomorrow morning. Work hasn't been the most pleasant of places for me to be lately. I feel really uncomfortable and unhappy with the current situation. It's hard to explain - I love the actual work that I do, but something is not right in the office. I'm not happy with management, and perhaps it's my own insecurities but I feel like whatever I do will never be good enough for my boss. I have applied for another job within my organisation but I haven't heard back about it yet. I'm not sure that I will even take the job if it is offered to me, but I needed to do something. I have had more migraines in the past month than I have had in the past year combined, and I think stress has been the trigger. Thankfully I haven't had one in the past week (touch wood) but I need to do everything in my power to prevent having a reoccurence, not least because of how it will affect our chances with IVF.

On another note, I have decided that next weekend I am going to start working on my book. I know the likelihood of me finishing the book is probably a pipe dream and I know as a certainty that it will never be published unless I do a DIY job AND I totally suck as a writer! For my own sanity though, I am going to give it a go. I've started to think about what chapters I want to write about. Over the past year I have collect so many infertility and IVF books and still haven't found one that says exactly what I want it to say.

My favourite book so far has been 'Making Babies' by Theresa Miller. I loved reading each persons story with their own personal struggle to achieve the thing they want most. One of the most fascinating things for me was reading a story from the point of view of one of the first 'test tube' babies.

So what do I want my book to say? That everybody's journey is different? Be positive? I think the one thing that I want to get across the most is that whatever it is you are feeling, it is okay. It is okay to be super optimistic one day and crying your heart out the next. You are allowed to grieve for lost opportunities, lost children. Whatever it is- allow yourself the luxury of being true to yourself.

If you were reading a book on infertility, what is it you would want to read?

Trying again

My period arrived this afternoon so we are about to embark on the next stage of our journey. I have started taking Progynova to increase my hormone levels and thicken my endometrium lining in preparation for a frozen embryo transfer in the coming weeks. My first clinic appointment isn't until August 4, and the transfer will be done sometime in the week after that, all things being equal. But they are never equal, are they...

I am suprisingly calm about starting again. We have decided that we aren't going to tell anyone about this cycle. I just don't want the pressure of peoples expectations on me, then it's not just me who gets disappointed, but everyone around me. I want to try and stay positive, keep up my exercise, and stay 'present' in my normal life.

The other reason for not telling people is that I want to regain some surprise into this whole thing. A close friend of mine recently announced that she is 14 weeks pregnant. While we will be announcing our pregnancy earlier than that should we be blessed, I would really love that element of surprise and elation. Maybe I'm reaching for the stars a bit but it's worth a try.

Happy birthday to me...

Yep I am 22 today. Wow!

Back to reality

Just a short post as I'm too tired from my first day back at work to write much, but we are back from our winter get away to Exmouth and had a fantastic time. Although please never let me commit to that big a driving trip again! For my US friends, although Exmouth is only half way up the state of Western Australia, the drive is the equivalent of driving from New York to Iowa - on some pretty nasty roads!

We had a wonderful time away, besides the two day drive to get there, we went to the beach lots, the weather was perfect - 26 degrees without a cloud in the sky every day. We even got sunburnt! We went on an all day tour to visit the Cape Range National Park and I was lucky enough to go snorkelling on the Ningaloo Reef at Turquoise Bay which was incredible! We spent lazy days just relaxing by the hotel pool and eating yummy food. It was nice to spend some quality time with Murray, just the two of us away from the rest of the world.

And now for some pictures!

A photo of us :-)


Charles Knife Gorge
An amazing sight to see. Apparently there have been a number of tsunamis over the years that have filled these canyons with water - how scary!

Coral Bay
Lookout just outside of town - how beautiful does the water look!

Shell Beach, Coral Bay
My gorgeous hubby enjoying the sunset
This beach is made completely of white shells

Mini Golf!
Murray and I have a tradition that on all our getaways we play a game with a very sexy wager - this time a full body massage with extras *nudge* Luckily we one one game each on our trip!

Tantabiddi Beach

Murray relaxing before our glassbottom boat cruise

Tantabiddi Beach
Sunset at the end of our day tour

Yardie Creek
An ancient canyon filled with water

Osprey Bay
We stopped to have lunch here and Murray had a dip with some new-found friends

A while between drinks

I seem to become such a boring person when I'm not cycling! I just don't feel compelled to blog, my whole life feels like it revolved around fertility treatments sometimes.

I fought really hard with the clinic to try and let me do the frozen embryo transfer this cycle but they were adamant that I needed the month off. I think deep down I knew that but once I start treatments it is so hard to stop. It's quite silly really, each break that we have had has been so helpful and therapeautic for me, so I should appreciate the time to heal.

I think I have moved past the pain from last cycle, having our embryos frozen has definitely helped me get my head around everything. I'm currently on CD 16 so hopefully in a couple of weeks we will start our HRT FET. I have filled my Progynova script and gotten progesterone pessaries in anticpation of beginning the next cycle. By the way - anyone have experience with the pessaries? Looks like I am going to be using 400mg pessaries, three times a day. I've only ever used crinone gel before so I'm not too sure what to expect.

Work is absolutely crazy at the moment. I have been working on a major project, launching a new initiative corporation wide and have had to work around some really tight deadlines. It's a great project but there is so much work to do and just not enough time to get it done which is adding a lot of stress on my shoulders. I went into work this morning with the plan to stay late and get a whole heap of stuff done, but almost the moment I walked into the office, I got a migraine and had to go and lie down in the bosses office away from all the noise and lights of the office. So that completely knocked me out for the day - one less day that I can work on getting the project up and running.

Murray and I are also going on holiday next week! We have had it booked for six months, before all our money troubles and before I started working on this project. In terms of work, the timing couldnt possibly be worse as it takes a week out of my preparation time for the project, but I am looking forward to getting away with just Murray and chilling out. We are off to Exmouth (North Western Australia) with a sunny winter temperature of around 28 degrees everyday, much better than the 10 degrees it was here the other day!

So no updates for me probably until Murrays birthday on July 12! I will leave you with a picture of gorgeous Exmouth! Wish you were here!